Fugly Clothing I Have Worn

My long history of sartorial choices has me shocked I’ve ever had sex.

In middle school, I wore floral overalls everywhere. While those tumbled in the wash, I swapped in a sunflower crop top.

Next up were sweet-ass plaid bell-bottoms. What does one pair with such a garment? Everything — obviously.

Graduating up to high school meant evolving my style. Why walk in one’s pants when one can swim?


The week of my 30th birthday, I dumped three huge garbage bags off at the Goodwill. Turns out I’m still unable to pick ’em.

Starling’s Starred Links: September Edition

Hey kids! Wanna die in a cool way? How about a euthanasia coaster? “Riding the coaster’s track, the rider is subjected to a series of intensive motion elements that induce various unique experiences: from euphoria to thrill, and from tunnel vision to loss of consciousness, and, eventually, death.”

Speaking of morbid shit I’m obsessed with, this season of American Horror Story (Freakshow) looks rad

More favorite TV: There was a mini-Space Cases reunion in Montreal this week!


Yeah. I still love Space Cases. I  long as my bills are paid and laws are upheld, I get to do whatever I want. (Comic: xkcd.)


Except wear leggings in public. Yoga pants aren’t pants — unless you’re at the gym, or at Wal-Mart. A friend tried to argue with me about what constituted “pants,” and I linked her to this. Case closed.

Speaking of clothing, Urban Outfitters’ screams for attention are getting more pathetic. If you thought the mental health mockery shirts were bad, strap in for the bloody Kent State shirt. (I realize the irony of saying they want attention, then giving it to them. Trust me. I’m on board. I just cannot get over the Kent State shirt.)

In more weird company choices, Burger King is releasing a black ‘Goth’ burger in Japan.

Looking at the Goth burger makes me oddly hungry — just like always.

Did you like those dogs? Here’s the last living dog that served in 9-11.

And, finally, the uplifting message that though not everyone is beautiful, you can still be valuable, important, interesting, and worth loving.

Off with its head!

I have been yearning for a certain tiger backpack for quite some time. But I cannot find an excuse to purchase it.


I thought to myself: maybe I could buy this as a prop for something else. I could go to Halloween as a safari person or something.

So I Googled “Safari Costume.”

I could talk for ages about sexist, slinky, inaccurate lady costumes — but what caught my eye here was something else.

The object in the model’s hand.

Someone needs to make a phone call, because there is a costume company out there that is murdering its models.

Who do you even call? The Better Business Bureau? The police? Animal control? I’m concerned, guys.

I’m also torn, because I want to purchase that man’s skull and mount it on my wall.

Next to my fluffy backpack, of course. Because I am going to buy that sooner or later. I’ll find a reason.

Fashion Friday: Abducted by Style!


My life changed drastically the day I saw the way Ancient Aliens‘ George Tsoukalos dresses in his spare time.

On the show, he wears suits. In real life, he’s basically a filthy Jersey Shore hippie.

He works at Seti, produces Ancient Aliens, and used to a bodybuilding promoter — so this weekend wardrobe pastiche makes sense.

The key to look is to put some stuff on your body that has patterns. Then put on jewelry & more jewelry. Then put on a patterned scarf. Then foof your hair out as big as possible. (You need to look like the alien traction beam is pulling your hair skywards). You’re ready!

This look is so cool that you’ll get abducted and butt-probed by history-interfering otherworldly beings. 

In case you were wondering, this outfit contains:

The galaxy’s the limit to how good it’s possible to look, guys.

Looks Inspired By Lupita Nyong’o

Lupita Nyong’o (12 Years a Slave) is rocking the red carpet super-hard right now. Like, give the carpet a breather, buddy.

I love every single thing she owns, and went on a quest to find some similar stuff — all for under $100 a piece.

I kind of regret the $100 a piece quest. It made this almost impossible. Almost.


Dior outfit: Surprisingly easy to emulate. I loved the blue and orange together. Daring and totally works. I kind of wish she’d worn an orange pillbox hat or something, too. It’s so Bizarro Jackie.


Miu Miu outfit: I didn’t really dig the red shoes with the dress, so I found another pair. This dress is similar in spirit. I kind of like the pink turtleneck top because it’s so bad it’s good again.


Rodarte outfit: This is where things began to slide off the rails. Congrats, Rodarte! There’s nothing quite like what you’re making.

So I just made something like what I’d wear to work if my shizznit were more together.

Let’s take a minute on pricing (mentioned up top). Why is everything so expensive?

Have I been permanently spoiled by the soothing low numbers of thrifting (and wholesale)?

How will I ever become a functional adult if the concept of a $20 shirt seems ridiculous? 

I am concerned about cheap fashion, mind you. Buying mass-produced crap and then throwing it out or donating it a few months later is excessive.

I am the sort of person who beats up clothes by working out constantly, walking everywhere, painting, and having a sheddy dog. I also do not separate my lights or darks and constantly forget to let brassieres and dri-fit clothing air-dry.

So I thrift my wardrobe. Basically all of it. I rescue my clothes from the thrift fate, pummel them into the ground until they’re threadbare and/or covered in stains, and discard them.

I’m basically a bottom-feeder who lives on trash.

I love looking (can we talk about the weird turtleneck bird dress again?) but just can’t bear to bring anything into the vortex of my home at the moment.