Jane Goodall Wants To Believe

Because I’m me — and not someone with better life skills — I got trapped in a conversation with a Bigfoot enthusiast last week.

I don’t trust people who don’t believe in Bigfoot,” he said.

“Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence,” I hedged.

“Exactly!” he said.


The man ranted about how Jane Goodall believes in Bigfoot, too. (Turns out, that’s sorta true.)

My beloved Alyson kept goading him into talking more.

I eventually excused myself on the premise of getting more food in the other room. Once again, food saves the day.

I love cryptozoology (check out all my cryptozoology-related posts!). Love it! But I don’t believe in it.

Humans are basically an algae bloom upon this earth. They’ve fanned out, populated, and polluted almost every nook and cranny of the planet.

There’s plenty more to discover, but it’s probably not going to be a Squatch.

That’d be the coolest thing ever — but unlikely.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I think there’s cheese somewhere else I’m not eating.

Geeking Out: The Vampire Overpopulation Problem

I just finished ’Salem’s Lot by Stephen King — and I’m livid.

This book does nothing original with the vampire genre whatsoever.

Worse yet, it makes no effort to deal with the vampire mathematics problem.


You know the issue at hand: exponential growth. If every vampire bite yields a vampire, you’re going to get more vampires.

Let’s say you start with one. (Where this one came from, no one knows. This book makes no effort to tackle that topic, either.) Your first vampire bites someone. You now have two. Each of those two vampires bites someone. You now have four. Then you have 8, then 16, then 32, then 64, 128, 256, 512, 1024, 2048, 4096, 8192, 16384, 32768, 65536,131072, etc.

If the population continues unchecked, vampires will overpopulate, and run out of “food.”

The (underrated!) movie Daybreakers depicts a world of starving vampires. They’re out of people to eat, and are mutating into yet scarier bat-wraiths. The Strain trilogy has humans in concentration camps (the Holocaust was a trail run) with forced breeding programs for the people with the tastiest blood types. Released decades ago, the original I Am Legend was about the only human left in a world of vampires.

Interview with a Vampire, Buffy the Vampire Slayer and other (arguably derivative) adaptations have devised solutions to the vampire-bite problem. A vampire and a person must, for example, drain and drink each others’ blood for transformation to occur.

In 30 Days of Night, vampires appear to be a separate species altogether (no bite issue whatsoever).

’Salem’s Lot doesn’t handle this problem.

There are lots of great things about it, mind you. The mundane, everyday evil acts of the town before the vampire even enters. The section about the nightmares of children being heavier than the nightmares of the ossified, dull adult counterparts. (Children fear monsters; adults fear bills.) The elegant turns of phrase. The vampire’s human lackey’s delightful personality.

But I feel like King could have delved deeper into the vampire mythos. Where did the vampire species come from? What’s going to happen to the entire town full of people that turned into vampires? (That’s not a spoiler; it’s made clear in the prologue that the Lot falls.) Why does religious iconography only work sometimes?

People make fun of Stephen King’s work, but I’ve found that a lot of it to be rewarding. This one, however, was a letdown. He had so much more to explore.

In Search of Aliens

It’s Friday night!


I typically kick off my weekends with H2’s combo of Ancient Aliens and Giorgio’s new show, In Search of Aliens.

In Search of Aliens is a crazy show.

I watched an episode that postulated Nessie is a dinosaur that travels through a quartz-fueled time warp in Loch Ness. The reason people can’t find it is because, at the time they’re searching, Nessie is in another time.

Sounds legit.

A part of me wishes this weird shit was true. Magic. Time travel. Dinosaurs still existing. Aliens.

Alas, it’s probably not. In the meantime, we can dream — and watch TV, of course.

Humans are Dumb, Ugly, & Uncreative


When I was a kid, my mom accused me of plagiarizing a short story I’d written.

It was a “12 Days of Christmas” thing about the chaos that took over a house as each of the gifts literally arrived on the doorstep. The Lords A-Leaping were trying to hook up with the Maids A-Milking and Ladies Dancing. The profusion of birds were pooping everywhere. The pear tree died from lack of watering.

A creative djinn had engulfed my brain and the words oozed everywhere. My little Shirley Temple hand couldn’t keep up with the sheer mass of ideas that were coming out.

I was proud of the fucking thing.

My mom read it with wide eyes, then asked where I’d gotten it from.

I said I wrote it.

She said she doubted it.

I went upstairs and cried and vowed to never write anything again. (She later apologised, and I continued writing things — obviously.)

Ancient Aliens

That feeling of betrayal and frustration comes to me when I watch Ancient Aliens

The crux of this show — for those of you who have social lives or poor cable packages — is that aliens exist and have messed with humanity.

Every episode looks at a creative historical figure or a feat of architecture/science and argues that aliens helped out.

Da Vinci? Inspired by aliens. Pyramids and monoliths? Made by aliens.

Other people who hung out with aliens: Jesus, Moses, Socrates, Tesla, Einstein, the Nazis, the Mayans & NASA. Oh, and Bigfoot. Bigfoots (Bigfeet?) were put here by aliens to do their bidding and hang out in underground tunnels under the United States. Or something.

The underlying assumption of the show is that humans are super-dumb and uncreative and haven’t accomplished anything on their own. 

Because we’re the worst.

Humans are derpy ape losers who have never done anything worthwhile.

It’s a bit defeatist: if the only great things came from aliens, why are we even bothering? Can’t they come back and just give us more stuff? Why aren’t they here? Why aren’t they fixing the shithole that their supposed inventions have given us?

Ancient Aliens is laughably bad — so much so that there’s a cult of people that sarcastically watch it. What ludicrous stuff will they postulate next? Will anything in the past be spared? Possibly most important: how big will George Tsoukalos’ hair get? (Pictured above: looking pretty big!)

It’s not like I take the show very seriously. I don’t believe in aliens — I just like their kitschy cult status.

And I’d like them to stay there, away from human accomplishments.

I want to claim everything awesome I do as my own.

Not that I’ve done anything awesome. But I might. 

[edit] This was my 300th post! The aliens helped. 

My Inappropriate Alien Valentine

I wrote a post last year about how atheism helped me deal with my fear issues.

It feels good to be a functional adult who doesn’t live in terror of darkness all the time, but it’s also kind of… a letdown.

The world’s a little less magical. There are no demons, but there also no saints — or unicorns, or witches, or healing crystals.


There are also probably no aliens who want to touch our butts.

There’s nothing that would complete Valentine’s Day like aliens all up on the bootay.