No ducking clue what to give your friends?

Christmas is the season that divides the world into two categories:
1. people that know what to get their friends, and
2. people who spend the morning staring at rubber ducks.

I am now both. Here’s what I have gleaned from my internet voyage:

Yes, ducks are a little baffling to give anyone over the age of 5.

But they’re also perfect for some Very Specific Friends almost every group  has.

1. The poop emoji friend. Everyone has a bud who likes to talk about their… output. Or they’re constantly ducking out of things because their tract is at it again. Give those open books some poop ducks.

2. The pointedly anti-establishment friend. Rubber duckies tend to have a shape and size. A convention, if you will. Give your fun-loving, free-spirit, Zooey-Deschanel friend some odd ducks. The one who fancies himself a sleek intellectual would probably prefer the Kid O Floating duck.

3. The friend who gives you medical advice without any qualifications to do so. Expand on all their fake knowledge with an anatomical duck.

4. The friend who you think might have voted for Trump. Everyone has one. Let them know you may one day forgive them with a Make Bathtime Great Again duck.

5. The friend who’s religious. Throw ’em a bone. Let them celebrate the True Reason For The Season with a religious duck. I like the Moses duck.

6. Your least klutzy friend. Some people don’t live in fear of stairs, heels, uneven sidewalks, or dropped banana peels. Those people are living their best lives. Get them a Swarovski Punk Duck.


How To Make Shrunken Head Christmas Ornaments

I found a note in my sketchbook that says “Shrunken heads are the size of Christmas ornaments.

It’s my handwriting. I must’ve put it there.

What was I thinking?


Was it just a note about relative size — or an idea for an amazing blog post? “DIY shrunken heads for a grim tree“?

Yes. Let’s make that post.


To be honest with you, I’m not sure how actual shrunken heads are made. I imagine it goes as follows:

  • Slay your enemy.
  • Skin his skull.
  • Put the resulting skin… in front of a shrink ray?
  • Fill it with Poly-Fil®.
  • Spritz it with Febreze® whenever it gets funky.

But murdering people is pretty gauche, so let’s make some artistic ones instead.

How To Add That Little Something Extra To Your Holiday Preparation Week

Step 1: Buy a tree.

Step 2: Get out all your ornaments.

Step 3: Accidentally knock a bottle of moisturizer into the toilet while it’s flushing.

Step 4: Begin screaming.


Wait, that’s not a great plan.

That’s a thing that happened to me this week.

My mistake.


For those of you keeping track at home, the final score was:

Toilet: 1
Leah: 0
Steve: 1 (for bringing over a pipe snake)
Husband: 10 (for disconnecting the commode, getting the bottle out with the pipe snake, and reconnecting it all again)
Christmas tree: 1 (after we got around to decorating it)

It’s a very nice tree.

Santa Claus Frets Over My Top 5 Holiday Songs

This week’s Five Fandom Friday topic, “top 5 holiday songs,” doesn’t tie in much with my geeky obsessions.

But then, this blog is themed “pretty pictures and sass mouth,” so I’ll just proceed forth with some of that.


5. Soul Coughing: “Suzy Snowflake”

For a minute and a half, Santa Claus stared at YouTube.

“I don’t understand this video,” he said.

“Just come to bed already,” she called from the back room.

“What is with kids these days?” he said.


4. Linkin Park: “My December”

While on the shitter one morning, it occurred to Santa: “This song may not literally be about the final month of the year. It’s probably a metaphor.”


3. Josh Groban: “O Holy Night” and “Believe”

“What a cutie,” whispers Mrs. Claus.

“Hmph,” grunted Santa in reply. He abruptly shoved another cookie into his mouth. Dry crumbs struggled in his throat. He would not cry.

Damn that Josh Groban and his cute muffin face, he thought.


2. Nightmare Before Christmas: “Making Christmas”

“What’s your favorite song on the Nightmare Before Christmas soundtrack, honey?” Mrs. Claus asked one afternoon over tea.

“All of them but the song where they plan my kidnapping,” Santa said.


1. Mariah Carey: “All I Want For Christmas Is You”

On this song, the Claus family can finally agree.

It’s the pinnacle of holiday song achievement.