In 2017, I want to take photography more seriously.
My Instagram, though bitchin’, isn’t exactly a shrine to nuanced composition — but I still took a lot of snaps I loved in 2016.
Here are my top 5:
1. Love graffiti. I found this waterproof optimism just when I needed it.
2. Washington, D.C. The Mansion on O Street‘s hyper-saturated gallery walls give me life.
3. Cute cat + retro tile. The star of this photo is Loki. He’s a Stage Five Clinger.
4. Black Dog Salvage, Roanoke, VA. This salvage store and flea market has gorgeous stained glass.
5. An obligatory Willie photo. My muse is a hilarious disaster.
What skills do you want to improve on in 2017, Internet?
“I love LL Cool J,” I told my husband today, “and I would only trust someone with my kids or dog who felt the same way.”
“I don’t think that’s typically a question that comes up in the interview process,” my husband replied.
“It’s time to change the interview process,” I said.
Without further ado, I present:
10 Questions for Potential Dogsitters
1. This dumbass beagle is responsible enough to be let off-lead. True or false?
2. When my dog stares you down, that means he has to pee. Can you handle the pressure?
3. Who is the third member of Salt-n-Pepa?
4. If the house is on fire, I expect you to go in there and rescue him. This is not, technically, a question. Just nod to show you understand.
5. How do you feel about the Ron & Hermione pairing?
Mom was so sick this week that she went to the Everything Smells Like Sterile Tubing place.
She’s back, but catching up on work-stuff, so I’m going to take over today.
Behold: my top 10 uplifting thoughts, with guest words from a few of my pals.
10. You worry too much about your appearance. I would love to lick your sweat and taste the inside of your mouth, no matter what the circumstances. If you are still worried, you can enhance your appearance by holding a tennis ball or plate of bacon.
9. Dream big. When people ask you what you want to be when you grow up, tell them, “a dragon or Beyoncé. Whichever is more complicated to attain.”
(Chubbs adds:) Fart proudly. Crop-dust the entire land and totally own up to it. It’s just butts. We all have ’em.
This weekend, I was so busy
- washing my laundry/dog
that I totally neglected to do basic things like:
- getting groceries
- replenishing my rum supply
- calling my parents.
There’s nothing in my house, and I’m a disappointment — but at least things smell good again (there’s a post about that forthcoming, sort of).
Here are a few of my weekend labors:
And we can’t forget:
If he were a human child, there would have been some slammed doors and sulky silence yesterday. If he had the choice to skip bathing, he would opt to smell like his own anus forever. (Don’t blame me. I’m just stating the truth.) Now he smells like a fluffy daisy, whatever that means.
“I think today is going to be the day our dog is well-behaved,” I told hubs as we drove to a Memorial Day picnic at a park.
“I don’t think so,” he said.
He was right.
Our dog spent the afternoon yowling at nothing.
I think Willie believes he’s Christina Aguilera from Burlesque. Which is fine — we’re not here to enforce the gender binary — we’re the cool parents — but seriously, animal, put a sock in it.
I’m going to add this intolerance for others’ life aspirations to my long, long list of reasons why I shouldn’t have human children.