The Week in Media: We are not a classy people.


I’ve been using the phrase “surprisingly un-shitty!” to describe things lately.

Like Godzilla.

It’s a movie about a giant lizard that trashes stuff — but it had a positive review on Rotten Tomatoes.

Because it’s a surprisingly un-shitty movie. The characters aren’t completely boring. Tons of shit blows up. There’s fire. There’s the guy from Breaking Bad in a terrible wig yelling a bunch. There are (spoiler!) several kaiju to ogle on-screen. Godzilla himself is awesome.

Sure, you could wait to rent it, but it wouldn’t be as much fun. This is exactly the sort of empty, fun trash you should see in a theater with your friends.

Here’s another thing that’s surprisingly un-shitty: Penny Dreadful.


The premise of this show is, “some moron is trying to revive the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen.” You’ve got Dorian Grey, a sharpshooter, Victor Frankenstein, an oracle, a prostitute (again for Billie Piper), and a guy who’s pretty much Sean Connery exactly. Oh, and there’s a black guy in this photo. He’s the only minority, and he hasn’t said anything yet.

Suckfest, right?

Surprisingly not.

The monsters are cool. The relationship between the oracle (who can speak to basically-Sean-Connery’s dead children) and everyone else is interesting. There’s a crazy gay Egyptologist who keeps appearing. I love Billie Piper’s weird face and Dorian Grey’s ridiculous hair. The sex scenes are good. What else does anyone need?

Remember the first season of True Blood, when you were discovering all these interesting monsters/mythology and the characters weren’t boring yet? It’s kind of like that.

And now I’m going to Teach the Controversy: the Subway Flatizza™.


I think this article in Jezebel was supposed to deter people. Of course, after reading it, I promptly decided I needed to experience a Flatizza™ for myself.

It’s a piece of the flatbread they use to make the flatbread subs. Then they dump some red sauce, mozzarella, and veggies on top; and toast it.

It’s good.

I don’t know what people’s problem is.

Stop being uppity, people. You’re eating pizza (excuse me: flatizza™) at Subway.

Look at your life. Look at your choices.

They landed you here, at this surprisingly un-shitty piece of bread and toppings.

Put it in your face and stop kvetching.

Nobody’s classy here. We’re a nation of Godzilla being the #1 movie (and Neighbors being #2), horror TV, and cheap affronts to Italian cuisine.

I wouldn’t live anywhere else.

I obviously don’t know anything about Bouncy Sportsball.

This week, I suffered a terrible loss.


That’s right, folks, I’m out $10. And pride.

But I didn’t have a lot of pride, so the $10 is what stings, mostly.


To offset my sadness, I found an amazing box of birds for my best friend’s baby’s forest-themed room.

It was from a store that was closing; these were for display purposes. (Before you panic, yes, I disinfected them. And yes, I threw out the icky, stained cockatiel.)

As my grandmother says, “When God closes a door, He opens a window.”

On the fourth floor.

And I’ve never stuck a landing in my life.

Talk About Dropping The Ball

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My New Years plans:

Have people over. Eat food. Send people with kids away so we can play Cards Against Humanity with minimal guilt. Watch the ball drop. Smooch pointy-faced husband.

Then things will get ugly, as they always do when I’m tired.

My first act of 2014 will be hinting that everyone needs to get out. Like, immediately.

When people don’t show adequate hustle, I’ll just drift to the bedroom and fall asleep. Ignoring everyone and sleeping through important social events will be important 2014 trends. Just like 2013.

And with that, Internet, I wish you a good night.