My Inappropriate Alien Valentine

I wrote a post last year about how atheism helped me deal with my fear issues.

It feels good to be a functional adult who doesn’t live in terror of darkness all the time, but it’s also kind of… a letdown.

The world’s a little less magical. There are no demons, but there also no saints — or unicorns, or witches, or healing crystals.

Want-To-Believe

There are also probably no aliens who want to touch our butts.

There’s nothing that would complete Valentine’s Day like aliens all up on the bootay.

On Fairy Homelessness

What do you get a friend who has everything this holiday season?

A home for fairies, obviously.

Fairy-Village

Humans should stop worrying about people problems (“do I look fat in these jeans?”) and start focusing on solving pixie problems.

Fairy graffiti. Fairy pickpocketing. Fairy violence in the streets.

Don’t make me go all Sarah McLachlan “Angel” on you.

Wait, forget that. I’m going to do it anyway:

T0 learn more, I got serious with artist Courtney Noonan about her quest to save the world, one gossamer-winged family at a time.

Let’s talk fairy-homelessness. I know that this is a hot-button topic with a lot of opinions, and I’d like to hear what you have to say. Let’s start out with a softball question: how did you first hear about the wave of fairies without a place to rest their wings?

Well it wasn’t so much hearing about it as seeing it personally. When I would let my dog out at night, I noticed them hanging around my recycling bin. I guessed that they were trying to make lean-tos from old bottles, and I knew that I had to do something. You would think that fairy magic would save many of these ethereal beings from such a sad fate, but it seems that their magic mostly applies to children and animals, not so much their own finances.

Bills have been proposed to help move them into tiny apartment complexes, but it has been said that such unattractive, cramped quarters would dampen fairy spirits. What are the advantages of the fairy homes as opposed to larger, more institutional settings for fairies?

It’s an interesting question. As with humans, some fairies prefer communal living situations, but they are by far in the minority. Fairy houses give a sense of autonomy, privacy, and of course, add beauty to the surrounding landscape. The apartment complexes that have been attempted, as I understand, were made of poor quality watermelons and often collapsed – but that is all very hush hush. As with anything, if it is worth doing, it is worth doing right. The craftsmanship that goes into a fairy house of high quality Jack-Be-Little pumpkin, Red Delicious apple, or even our roomier foliage houses simply can’t be underestimated. Tell me, would you rather live in an apartment where your feet slip on seeds and even puncture the very floors, or in a modest, organic pear hollowed out right here in the United States?

My word. What a scandal! For our readers out there who perhaps do not have fairies in the area, what are the advantages of keeping resident fairies? And, if one does acquire a fairy house of one’s home, how does one attract a fairy and entice one to stay?

Well, fairies can be tricky. You may have a good fairy or a bad fairy take up residence in your house, much like rolling the dice with neighbors on your block. Good resident fairies will help tend your garden, make beautiful flowers bloom throughout the season, help you find lost items, and of course buy your childrens’ teeth from them. A bad fairy will play practical jokes, cause minor injuries like a twisted ankle, or cause you to get lost following their enchanting lights (see: hinkypunks). Fairies of all kinds will be attracted by the simple placement of an empty home, much like hermit crabs. You can also put out small saucers of honey, but that could attract bears as well. Having a slightly wild yard will entice the fairies to stay since they enjoy multiple hiding places and detest the use of chemicals.

Are fairies good with other types of creatures — for example, pets or other magical entities?

Yes, as long as they are good fairies – they will do their best to get along, make things run smoothly, not cheat at boardgames. The bad fairies, however, will set dogs to barking at “nothing” and have a particularly odd effect on cats. They will cause them to spring straight up into the air, growl in that strange cat way, or sprint out of a room. As far as other magical entities, fairies can at times come off a little conceited – but who wouldn’t when faced with the drab looks of a hobgoblin? They are also known for teaching tricks to unicorns.

Wow, Courtney! You are a giant tub of Leprechaun gold’s worth of information. Do you have any final remarks on your plans to personally help the fairies? What housing or artistic projects are in the works for you?

I try. In the future, I plan to continue constructing fairy houses that will fit fairy needs and green architectural standards. I see flowers making their way into the blueprints soon. I’ve also been delving back into photography to capture the natural beauty of the world as is – and hopefully some suspicious glowing orbs.

Specific-Fairy-Homes

Make sure you check Courtney’s work out on Etsy and her portfolio! Support the arts!

House-ghosts & Car Accidents: Wishing For A Juicier Life

I am on high alert for my new house to be haunted. Noises, missing things, ominous senses of foreboding: I am prepared.

Disappointingly, my house is pretty normal — unless my ghosts are being very subtle.

Being-Haunted-Small

After doing the series of doodles from this post and the previous post, I decided to try doing something a little more realistic than a blobby happy Casper-ghost and a girl that looks a lot like Wednesday Mourning.

Here are some stylish shoes:

Shoe-Study-Small

I would not wear any of these.

I’ve told people that my aversion to heels stems from the time I got hit by a car (as a pedestrian), but that’s a lie.

Not that I got hit by a car — that happened. That’s just not why I forego heels.

I mean, come on, which is more interesting to hear? “I have leg problems because my mortal flesh was slammed by oncoming metal” or “fancy shoes are uncomfortable”?

Reality is boring. It’s why a part of me kind of wants my own house-ghost. It’d give me something to chat about during that awkward moment when people say “What’s been going on with you?” and I have to scrounge around.

Here are the things that are actually going on with me:

  • I went into the “ethnic hair care” section of a big-box store in search of some kind of straightening serum. I purchased some and have it in my hair today, but my hair is still curly. (Although it is really soft and smells like strawberries). This shit CANNOT BE TAMED.
  • My husband keeps making fun of me for liking the Bret Michaels Snapple flavor. I dare say it’s a thorn in our otherwise rosy relationship.
  • Our house now has a bronze steampunk skull like this. Ours is named HAL because it’s robotic and only has one eye. (Click here for an explanation, you philistine.) When we leave the house, we tell the dog, “We’re heading out, but don’t worry, HAL is in charge! You’ll be perfectly safe!”
  • I attended Crickfest. That’s not a typo; it’s Central PA. 
  • My brother sent me an email divulging that he’s obsessed with the Miley performance, too. I wonder if we have a genetic predisposition toward watching fluffy train wrecks, or if we’re just Americans.
  • Hubs & I are hooked on Face Off, a SyFy original series about sci-fi/fantasy/horror makeup artists. The things they make are sheer magic. Usually when I watch shows like this (i.e. Project Runway or Work of Art), I want to become the thing on the screen, but I have no desire to be a makeup artist. It seems to involve a lot of unreliable technology. (They constantly have molds that fall apart on them. Or the stuff doesn’t set right. Or something rips.)
  • I had some people over to the house on Saturday, and nobody broke anything important. That’s a first.

And I’ve been wearing flats the whole time.

The people in The Conjuring should have listened to their dog.

Listen, society. I think we need to have a chat — a fireside chat — about the first rule of home-buying.

So take a sit and listen very carefully when I say:

If your dog refuses to enter your new home, it is, without question, haunted. Burn it down and move somewhere else.

better

Seriously. Keep your dog beside you at all times.

Hubs and I saw The Conjuring last night — a great movie to see if you’re backed up, because it will scare the crap out of you.

Except for the last half hour or so, because, ugh, it gets stupid.

(The following contains spoilers).

The twist/reveal of the movie is that the house is haunted by a the ghost of a Satanic witch who possesses women to kill their children.

Because Satan said so, and stuff.

There’s nothing that throws me out of a movie faster than Lucifer turning out to be the villain.

Satan-worship? REALLY?

I’m not sure there have ever been a lot of people who literally worshiped Satan. How many actual Demonolators/theistic Satanists are there? Not many. And they’re not very powerful. The most recent “Satanist”-related item in the news was the gay wedding they held over the Westboro Baptist Church founder’s mom’s gravesite. From their title to their actions, Satanists are basically just teenagers trolling for attention.

I can’t take any of that seriously.

The end of The Conjuring devolves into an exorcism cliché: vomiting, floating, hands-on-the-forehead, etc. Come back to the light, etc.

The instant one restricts oneself to a specific type of evil, they’re confined to a specific type of solution to that evil. Now, I realize that this movie is “based on a true story” (ugh), so I guess being irritable about its plot doesn’t make a lot of sense.

I’m still holding out for original horror stories. I’ve seen them before, and I’ll see them again. This just isn’t one of them.

Most dating profiles are less appealing than Mothman’s, so why is he single?

Almost every one of my single friends has tried the online dating thing, and has met with awkwardness or disaster:

  • Dates breaking all manner of personal boundaries.
  • Dates showing up wearing kitten ears.
  • Dates with copious nose hair. (Apparently oodles, straying as far down as the upper lip).
  • Dates who told them their life stories over the first coffees, including “when I was a kid, one of my parents shot the other; but they’re still together.”
  • A man who told my friend he hadn’t masturbated prior to the date because he was “saving [his] load for” her.

And those are just the ones that made it to the date phase. There were others rejected because:

  • Their photo options were NSFW.
  • Their grammar was awful.
  • Their screen name was a vagina pun. (Actually, two: “Snatch Mo Pooty.”)

Wanna see some examples of terrible profiles? There’s an entire Tumblr devoted to showing the profiles of assholes who claim to be “friend-zoned” “nice guys.” They’re just the tip of the iceburg.

With all these miscreants out there, Mothman wonders to himself, why am I still single? 

 

Date-Mothman-01 Date-Mothman-02 Date-Mothman-03

I hope he finds a nice cryptozoologist to settle down with.