Every team in a weekend league has a player number 69.
Do you think players fight over who gets to be 69?
The idea for this post started off as a tiny nugget: “What if Doritos showed an ad for Cool Ranch instead of Nacho Cheesier?”
Then I thought, “Wouldn’t be nice to see an ad featuring a same-sex couple? Or a plus-sized person that wasn’t the butt of a joke? Or men doing dishes? And why on earth is menstrual blood always portrayed as blue in ads for pads?”
Behold, friends: Unwinnable Super Bowl Bingo. The totally free, printable PDF, complete with translation chart, is right here. Play along at home.
What else are you going to do — actually care about sports?
You will not win, friends. No one ever will. But each square is one step closer to a more diverse, interesting world.
Crossing the Cthulu square off might be the last thing you ever do.
Duck and cover, because I’m about to drop a truth bomb.
“Spider Derby,” or spider fighting, is a “sport” that actually exists.
Depending on the spider species, two males or two females fight until:
When “off duty,” the spiders are kept in matchboxes.
Maybe you’re saying “that’s barbaric.”
It’s banned in some areas, but not because it’s mean. It’s because “[children] could spend so much time hunting and training spiders that lessons and homework are missed.” Oh, and because the practice encourages gambling. (In derbies, bets go up to $1k.)
Maybe you’re saying “this has to be happening internationally.”
Yes, it does. Mostly in Singapore, Japan, and the Philippines.
And also… jails in Florida.
“In 2002, a fight between three inmates over the theft of a pet spider resulted in life-threatening skull injuries to one inmate.”
Sounds like Florida to me. (To see Florida Man’s most impressive accomplishments of 2014, click here.)
As usual, I suggest you try nothing you see on this blog at home.