I was a super-clumsy picked-last-for-gym kind of kid, and I’ve grown up into a super-clumsy thank-goodness-gym-class-is-over kind of adult. Sometimes I breathe funny and everything around me collapses.
To this day, I’m afraid of expensive stuff because I know I’ll ruin it. My clothes are from the Goodwill because I spill my lunch on myself daily. I know the instant I buy a new car, I’ll crash it into something that doesn’t move, like a post or a building. I haven’t replaced my 8-year-old laptop, mostly because, ugh, I’ll totally somehow accidentally take the new one skydiving with me and it’ll fall out of my pocket. Or something.
Today’s post is dedicated to Cool Stuff I Can’t Afford To Be Anywhere Near, Ever.
Let’s start with everything by FORT. This hanger looks like a fun solution to a bunch of entryway problems until you realize it’s $1,552. Is it made of gold? And why are these four folding chairs $788?
I’m not trying to make fun of this company; I’m just saying I don’t understand what’s going on here, and just thinking about these objects might be physically harming them in their warehouse.
Pie Studio (Facebook here) makes a lot of really funky, fascinating stuff. This piece, entitled “Space Hog,” is $3,299. I want it in my home just so my husband can have the opportunity to say, “I can tell my wife’s in a bad mood because she’s retreated into the Space Hog.”
I’ve been keeping my eyes open for a headboard for my bed. At $700, this isn’t a total ripoff, actually. The texture says “these padded walls remind me of my time in the institution!”, but the black says “I’m chic!”
Okay, seriously? It’s not okay that my family doesn’t own this coffee table.
However, I think if we allowed ourselves to buy this, it would open up a gateway to an alternate dimension of geek spendiness — an extravagant lifestyle that will result in us doing lines of coke off George Takei himself. (Not to imply that he does drugs.) (I’m not sure what I’m implying here, actually, except that things would get out of hand rapidly.)
This $7,500 desk is touted as “metaphysical” by its creator, “Joseph the Wand Maker.”
But look how cool the “flame-licked metal” is.
This curved light would be awesome in my reading room. It looks like a cocoon. Could this be some sort of metaphor for my brain developing inside my skull through the sublime power of literature?
I like to end my blog posts on a high note. And nothing could be more high than this “goat luminary.” It’s not just taxidermy; it’s not just a rug; it’s not just a lamp. It’s all three. It’s everything your room needs in one purchase. It’s so deep and overwhelming that it’ll stop your more yappy friends in their tracks with its sheer transcendence.
It’s probably for the best that I can’t have nice things. My house would be fucknuts.
Want to read more like this post?
If you like expensive things, check out fashionable gifts for awesome people.
If you want to see some more of my misguided efforts to decorate my house, check out the post featuring my circus sideshow Etsy home treasury.
If you want some more posts about taxidermy, check out my Trundle Manor posts.