Tag: shopping

dELiA*s, Pen Pals, and No Cell Phone: It’s the 1990s!

Yesterday I mailed a letter to Germany that had ink on it and embroidery inside. I also forgot my phone at home.

mail art pen pal calligraphy letter to germany

“No cell phone? And a pen pal? What is this — the 1990s?” a friend asked incredulously.

“I wish,” I replied wistfully.

That evening, I noticed a Delia*s tag on my friend’s jacket.

“I’ve had this for about 10 years,” she said.

I miss the Delia*s catalog.

So does Buzzfeed, as is evidenced by articles like 31 Things You Desperately Needed From The Delia*s Summer ‘96 Catalog and 19 Reasons Why You Miss Getting the Delia*s Catalog.

There’s still a dELiA*s site, but it sucks. Don’t go there. You’ll be depressed by the modern age.

I approve of this invoice.

My company’s accountant has a weird sense of humor, and Five Below sells stickers.

Combine these, and what do you get?

Me approving invoices with zest.

IMG_3533

“Today is going to be the day I turn my life around!” said Joe, who had no idea.

IMG_3536

“I ripped this rose from its stem to watch it slowly decompose,” Ella said.
“Uh, are you feeling okay?” Muffin asked.

Read More I approve of this invoice.

Christmas Suggestion For Difficult People: Boozy Bounty

Stuck this Christmas on what to get the drunk who has everything? 

Your solution is here: Fancy drinking stuff.

It works for everyone! During the holidays, even people who don’t typically drink may turn to the sauce to survive family gatherings.

These gifts may go a long way.

Drinky-Drinky-YES

1. Let’s start easy: this Gluggle Jug ($46.50) can pour any liquid you’d like. I imagine most people actually use it for water. It makes a fabulous “glug glug” noise when poured as air and water slosh through it.

2. Whoa. Change gears. Let’s go handmade, recycled, and fancy with this $230 triangular wine rack. I like the fact that the bottom holds glasses.

3. Want rustic without actually paying money? Is your intended recipient, perhaps, a redneck? Then this aptly-titled Redneck Wine Glass may be just right. It’s made in the USA (rednecks love that) and is touted as a “great gift for guys.” I’d like to take a moment to publicly call out guys. One can get a chick food, wine, something sparkly, etc. What does one get a guy? DAMMIT, WHAT DOES ONE GET A GUY? Y’all are difficult to shop for. People are turning to Redneck Wine Glasses. You deserve it, you cryptic douchebags. ($11.80 each). 

(As you can see, I am using this blog space to take out some of my marital frustration.)

4. Personal opinion: one might have to be drunk to think the Zodiac makes any sense whatsoever. If, however, you have a loved one who believes in all this hoo-ha, you can get them a $24.50 stopper in their month of choice. I actually think these are really beautiful. The only downside is that there’s no Ophiuchus.

5. Prank: get your giftee tipsy before opening this gift, then insist there’s nothing wrong off about the bottle‘s shape at all. See how long you can hold a straight face. $10.

6. I know there are two slumped glass items in here, but I’m really into that right now. This cheese plate ($29) is one of a variety of alcohol styles available online. This says, “Yeah, I drink. But let’s focus on getting our calories from cheese right now.”

As a sort of depressing closing note, despite the “little problem” joke, alcoholism is serious business. If someone’s “little problem” is actually a “big problem,” please get them help instead of giving them hilarious gifts. We don’t need any more incidents like this. Hypothermia is a gift no one wants to receive.

Cool Stuff That’s Really Expensive, So Just Look, And Don’t Touch, Okay?

I was a super-clumsy picked-last-for-gym kind of kid, and I’ve grown up into a super-clumsy thank-goodness-gym-class-is-over kind of adult. Sometimes I breathe funny and everything around me collapses.

To this day, I’m afraid of expensive stuff because I know I’ll ruin it. My clothes are from the Goodwill because I spill my lunch on myself daily. I know the instant I buy a new car, I’ll crash it into something that doesn’t move, like a post or a building. I haven’t replaced my 8-year-old laptop, mostly because, ugh, I’ll totally somehow accidentally take the new one skydiving with me and it’ll fall out of my pocket. Or something.

Today’s post is dedicated to Cool Stuff I Can’t Afford To Be Anywhere Near, Ever.

Hangy-Wire-Thing

Let’s start with everything by FORT. This hanger looks like a fun solution to a bunch of entryway problems until you realize it’s $1,552. Is it made of gold? And why are these four folding chairs $788?

I’m not trying to make fun of this company; I’m just saying I don’t understand what’s going on here, and just thinking about these objects might be physically harming them in their warehouse.

SpaceHog

Pie Studio (Facebook here) makes a lot of really funky, fascinating stuff. This piece, entitled “Space Hog,” is $3,299. I want it in my home just so my husband can have the opportunity to say, “I can tell my wife’s in a bad mood because she’s retreated into the Space Hog.

CrazyPerson

I’ve been keeping my eyes open for a headboard for my bed. At $700, this isn’t a total ripoff, actually. The texture says “these padded walls remind me of my time in the institution!”, but the black says “I’m chic!”

Pac-Man-Ghost

Okay, seriously? It’s not okay that my family doesn’t own this coffee table.

However, I think if we allowed ourselves to buy this, it would open up a gateway to an alternate dimension of geek spendiness — an extravagant lifestyle that will result in us doing lines of coke off George Takei himself. (Not to imply that he does drugs.) (I’m not sure what I’m implying here, actually, except that things would get out of hand rapidly.)

CrazyDesk

This $7,500 desk is touted as “metaphysical” by its creator, “Joseph the Wand Maker.”

Ew.

But look how cool the “flame-licked metal” is.

Want.

Curved-Lamp

This curved light would be awesome in my reading room. It looks like a cocoon. Could this be some sort of metaphor for my brain developing inside my skull through the sublime power of literature?

Crazy-Crazy-Goat

I like to end my blog posts on a high note. And nothing could be more high than this “goat luminary.” It’s not just taxidermy; it’s not just a rug; it’s not just a lamp. It’s  all three. It’s everything your room needs in one purchase. It’s so deep and overwhelming that it’ll stop your more yappy friends in their tracks with its sheer transcendence. 

It’s probably for the best that I can’t have nice things. My house would be fucknuts.

Want to read more like this post? 

If you like expensive things, check out fashionable gifts for awesome people.
If you want to see some more of my misguided efforts to decorate my house, check out the post featuring my circus sideshow Etsy home treasury.
If you want some more posts about taxidermy, check out my Trundle Manor posts.