Twas Two Nights After The Night Before Halloween

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Twas the night after All Hallow’s eve
And the doll heads were hung in my house with care
Not a creature was stirring
Except for my difficult beagle-border collie mix, shedding everywhere

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All the spooks lined up outside
Skulls, spiders, skeletons! Oh my!

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One fish, two fish, three fish, reverse mermaid
Robo cop, Paul McCartney, and Tin Foil Hat Lady they played

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Other people were other stuff
Rhyming is hard

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Seriously
The structure of this post was something
I shouldn’t’ve even tried to undertake
Look how cute these children are
Will that distract you
So seriously guys, what should we be next year

Death On A Dime: How to Craft A Cheap & Easy Heart or Halloween Garland

Need to decorate for Halloween? This is a cinch.

Heart-Garland

I’m going to chop off some heads this Halloween, so I made a few home decorations to go with my costume. This was so embarrassingly easy (and cute) that I had to detail it here.

To create the heart garland, you’ll need a sturdy heart-shaped punch, a few playing card decks, hot glue, and string.

Punch hearts out of the deck. Affix two dots of hot glue to the bumps at the back of each heart. Press the string into the glue dots. Leave it to cool for a few minutes, then stick it anywhere you’d like.

Want to creep it up a notch? Try doll heads instead of hearts.

The doll heads are a little tougher. I made them by doing Google Image Searches of “creepy doll head,” then saving my favorites to the desktop. I uploaded those images to Wal-Mart Photo and printed them for something like 18 cents each. Then I snipped them out and did the same hot-glue-plus-string rigamarole as before.

The hearts are cute, but the doll heads might make your friends break up with you.

You didn’t need them anyway. The voices can keep you company.

Oh You Fancy, Huh?: Flannel Shirt Edition

Attention, Internet! Behold my Halloween fail!

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A few years ago at Goodwill, I stumbled upon a fancy gown that some cruel bride had inflicted upon her maids. I purchased it for $5, smug I’d find a purpose for it.

This year I decided to embellish the dress to become the Queen of Hearts.

Alas, the center top wig is not Amazon Prime eligible, leaving me only with the horrible dead-muppet-on-your-head option for cheap expediting. (This, kids, is what happens when you leave things for the last minute). I think I may buy the wig on the right for a future year.

Instead, I’m going to be Little Pete from The Adventures of Pete & Pete.

Artie-And-Pete

My husband was already compiling the elements to become Artie, the Strongest Man in the World, this adult in a Where’s Waldo sort of costume who hangs out with the kids. (The 1990s was a simpler time, before the Sandusky trial.) He’s Little Pete’s best friend, so turning myself into Little Pete is:

a) easy

and

b) sort of a couples costume.

In that we’re a set, not that Little Pete and Artie are having relations.

I just have to put on a red plaid hat and some baggy clothes from the 90s and I’ll be set. (I also bought some orange hairspray and brown eyeliner with which to give myself freckles. Because gingers.)

My quest for a flannel shirt (not really pictured here, but Little Pete wears them a lot) revealed a shit-ton of expensive flannel. Isn’t the whole point of flannel that construction workers, rough-n-tumble lesbians, and people from Seattle can cheaply wear it?

And now, without further ado: Flannel None of Us Can Afford.

Which of these shirts is under $300? No peeking until you’ve made your guess.

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1. Vivienne Westwood Checked Flannel Shirt, Brown, $320; 2. Junya Wantanabe Check Wool Shirt Jacket, $975; 3. Sacai Long-Sleeved Shirt, $618; 4. DSquared2 Long-Sleeved Shirt, $650; 5. Burberry Adken Check Flannel Shirt, $252; 6. Odyn Vovk flannel shirt, $1450; 7. White Mountaneering Shirt, $566

That’s right, kids: Burberry is a steal. Keep that in mind when shopping for the rest of your life.

But drawing Petunia (Little Pete’s tattoo) on my arm will be free.

PETUNIA

Happy Monday, everyone!