It’s a beautiful Friday! Let’s celebrate with some sketchbook pages.
I can’t draw snails. I don’t even think I have a good idea in my head of how they’re supposed to work. They’re one of the Universe’s weirder offerings. Who came up with that crap?
Looking at you, Darwin. What niche could that possibly be filling? The “crazy slimy bullshit with an impossible-to-draw shell” demographic?
I draw; then I paint; then I draw some more, just in case. My favorite part of this spread is the upper right corner. I love the dog astronaut.
Speaking of dog astronauts: do you want to be depressed? If yes, read the Wikipedia article Laika the Russian Space Dog. It contains heretofore-unknown horrors. I had not known those horrible facts about that poor animal, its conditions, or its death.
If you’re okay with the way your day was, actually, skip ahead to the next spread and its pithy title.
I call this spread “Furries: After Dark.”
While thinking (fretting) (panicking) about what the next four years will be like, I wondered, is there literally anything Donald Trump could do as president to to make me like him?
In between these illustrations, I have a few non-partisan suggestions that everyone in America can get behind.
Make the Barenstain Bears the Barenstein Bears again. I think everyone would feel better if this creepy alternate-universe conspiracy were set to rights. Just make them officially the Barenstein Bears and we’ll all feel better.
Cleaner gas station bathrooms. Sit to poo without fear, America.
Bigger fireworks. Bigger! Sparklier! Make ’em ‘uuuuuuuuuge!
Taco trucks on every corner. The Donald needs to reconsider disparaging this notion. It’d really perk everyone up.
Banning the Chicken Dance from Large Gatherings. I wrote a letter to my wedding DJ about how he must not play this song on my Special Day under any circumstances. I’m not above writing a letter to President Trump to the same effect.
Puppies. His family should adopt a shelter animal. A really cute one. Preferably a dog, not a cat, because everyone likes a dog. Cats are the snooty pets of liberal, elite ivy-tower types.
Ticks. They’re the grossest, most terrifying threat to our nation. I just scratched my bosom and found one. I’ve never been bitten by an undocumented immigrant.
And, most importantly,
Let us see inside Area 51. Please, Donny. We’re all dying to know.
Reddit Gets Drawn is a forum where artists illustrate photos that people post of themselves.
Sometimes I like to get involved.
Sometimes I even draw the thing people ask for. Not usually, though.
Here are my latest offerings.
A hipster posted a black and white photo of himself in suspenders. I turned his frown upside-down.
A girl requested a photo of herself in front of a city. I drew a cooler city.
This guy wanted to be a Bond villain. I threw some Lasercats in there.
Single people: stop saying there are “no single guys” where you live.
That’s not true. There are plenty of single men near you.
Just not many that you’d let past the velvet rope into the exclusive club that is your lady-stuff. (Or man-stuff. You know. Stuff.)
I’ve hunted very carefully in your town, and I’d like you to know I’ve found a few eligible bachelors to try out.
If you can get past his belief that the media is a tool of the New World Order to keep the masses in line, this guy is a spontaneous, compassionate lover.
He will expand your intellectual horizons and help you become better at arguing. You will dump him via text.
He seems like a time-traveler from the future. It’s probably the ray-gun arm that gives that impression.
I’ve recently found an area on the online community Reddit that’s called Reddit Gets Drawn. People submit pictures of themselves, and others sketch them.
It’s weirdly addictive to sort through these pictures for something that strikes a cord. And the recipients always seem happy with what they’ve received.
I’ve drawn a lot of these, but here are my top 4:
This child has a long and stylish Brooklyn life ahead of her.
This child is going to become a top-tier civil rights lawyer. She’s the sort of princess who would ensure more safety protocols for her 7 dwarfs.
This child is going to sail around the world in the style of Magellan, but in a yacht. He will high-five at least one mermaid of every species.
This child is going to run a vegan lifestyle blog called “Can’t Be Beet.” Not all recipes will involve beets — but many will.
I was an unstylish kid. I had a lot of jean shorts (“jorts”) and baggy t-shirts. I oscillated sharply between jumping in creeks and jumping in books.
I was not cool.
I am still not cool.
These kids have me beat. Or do they have me… “beet”?