The Month in Media: March in One Sentence

I’ve distilled March’s entertainment choices — good and bad — into easy-peasy sentence-bites.

If you’re trying to decide whether to continue reading this post, keep in mind that I accidentally watched Deuce Bigalow, Male Gigolo this month.

If that’s not tempting, I don’t know what is.

MOM-March

Movies:

Zootopia (4/5). Adorable CG animals tackle heavy-hitting topics like racism, innate abilities, and friendship.

Deuce Bigalow, Male Gigolo (2.5/5). This “film” is surprisingly heartfelt for something so trite.*

(*I have no control over what my father-in-law puts on the TV.)

The Good Dinosaur (4/5). This movie is freaky — including an acid-trip sequence, some drug-addled adrenaline-junkie pterodactyls, and a character biting a living insect’s head off.

The Martian (4/5). The movie’s better than the book!

TV:

Not Safe with Nikki Glaser (5/5). This show has a sparkling array of unique, funny, dirty features.

Samantha Bee (4/5). One of my top Canadians (a difficult feat!) is conquering the medium of television.

Daredevil, Season 2 (3/5). I’m not finished yet, but I find this season disappointing and muddled.

Books:

3 Movies You Should See: Jurassic World, What We Do In The Shadows, Inside Out

Movies rock. They’re perfect: short, emotional, funny, and pretty. When they suck, they’re only 2 hours; when they’re awesome, you can see them again and again.

Here are a few films I wouldn’t mind seeing again:

Squad-Goals-Web

Jurassic World (5/5 stars, theaters): In this movie, Jurassic World (a successful Jurassic Park) has flagging numbers because people are getting bored of the dinosaurs on offer. They decide to boost park attendance by creating a new dinosaur with oodles of new cross-bred features.

Except, whoops, they made it too smart. Dammit.

So it tears the park a new a-hole. Chris Pratt and his sort-of-domesticated Velociraptor Motorcycle Squad have to handle it.

Pratt-Dinosaurs

This actually happens. ^

Tons of stuff explodes. People die. People get attacked by Pterodactyls. The T-Rex from the first movie makes an appearance. Jimmy Buffett makes a cameo in which he runs from dinosaurs holding 2 margaritas.

I’ve been told by many people that he film is stupid and riddled with plot holes. (Like no Jeff Goldblum, and the fact that Chris Pratt keeps his shirt on the entire time.)

Well, obviously. The entire franchise is dumb. But come on. Live a little. 5/5 stars anyway.

Shadows

What We Do In The Shadows (5/5 Stars, Amazon Prime): Welcome to the anti-Twilight. This mockumentary is schlumpy, unattractive middle-aged New Zealander vampires. Despite their ability to fly and murder people, they are wonderfully banal. They argue over who does the dishes. They have trouble finding victims and deciding what to wear.

This movie’s shot like The Office. It’s awkward. There are long silences. People look at the camera. Characters say really stupid things.

I personally adore the mockumentary genre. I loved Best In Show, Borat, and Parks & Rec. This is a great addition to the cannon, if you like that sort of thing.

How To Keep Your Calm When the Postal Service Kills Christmas

RAGEOUT

Maybe — for once — you get your Christmas cards together before January. You feel good about yourself! You want to ship your holiday cheer out immediately!

You decide to go with Harry Potter stamps. This is when things begin to go downhill. 

HP-STAMPS

1. When your local post office does not carry this line of stamps, keep calm and carry on. These Potter stamps are worth a little inconvenience. Say to yourself: “Okay. This is still doable. I will simply order the stamps from USPS.com.” 

2. When USPS.com charges you for shipping, do not blow your wad. Isn’t the whole point of this service, in and of itself, shipping? How crazy is this? Say to yourself, “Okay. I will pay this dollar. Fine. Everything is fine.”

3. When you don’t receive a tracking number from USPS for an entire week, eat a cookie. It’s okay. Eat two. Begin to hand out cards in person, wherever possible. 

USPS-NoStamps

4. Three days later, when your tracking number still indicates your stamps haven’t even left USPS.com, calmly separate out your piles of mail into “Harry Potter fans” and “people who don’t give a shit what stamps they get.” You will see why in a moment.

5. Go to the post office. When you have to wait in a really long line, play Candy Crush. The graphics will remind you of sweets. You cannot eat those yet. Wait until the next step.

USPS_Pixar_stamps

6. Purchase Pixar stamps. Affix these to your pile of “people who don’t give a shit what stamps they get.” Pixar is awesome. Throw this pile in a blue box and promptly forget about it. It feels nice to have this done, right? Reward yourself with another cookie. You will find enormous piles of sweets on any break table at any workplace in the country.

USPS-DAMMIT

7. When it’s days later and you still have no effing idea where your HP swag is, decide everyone’s just going to have to love Pixar. Sorry, Potter fans. Those cards are causing sleep loss.

8. Go back to the post office. Wait in another long line. Buy more Pixar stamps. Mail the rest. Then eat another cookie. You’re done until next year when you — for some reason — do it all over again.

Drea-Thanks

9. Update! Post in your blog about your tragedies, and have one of your friends come through with some extras! Thank her profusely and publicly on said blog. You know how you should thank her? Cookies. Go for the cookie jar again. It’s Christmas.