Seriously. That skin is like Edward Cullen’s. Go outside.

Before the weekend opened up, I’d read a post in which Gala Darling told people to leave the goddamn house already. (Okay, she didn’t phrase it like that. She – or at least her online persona – is a very nice girl.)

As it turns out, when I got home, our Internet was out; so I actually had to take her advice.

Without the Internet, I am a super-human. It’s like those ads where the guy takes the Five Hour Energy drink and runs while knitting and meeting new women. (Does he learn new languages, too? I can’t remember. Those ads are really low-budget; and there are like ten of them where he manages different things.)

Here are the things I accomplished this weekend:

1. My husband and I went on a drive to take photographs.

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We found a hot pink antiques store that opens in May.

There was really shady diner next to it. The men inside – and there were only men inside – had Civil War mustaches. It was like stumbling into the Confederacy. They stared at us and said the people who ran it were out. We uncomfortably exited, even though we wanted the sticky buns on display.

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We found a new playground near the airport that’s… airport-themed. How amazing is this thing? We think that this playground is the key to being “the cool babysitters” when we take our friends’ kids out.

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I feel like I should point out, as a disclaimer, that our friends don’t give us babysitting jobs, even though we’re their kid’s godparents. (Or, as they joke, their “Godless parents.” We’re atheists.) I like to think it’s because they’re attachment parents and never leave their kid alone, but it might also be because my husband and I are enormous children ourselves and probably should not be trusted with responsibility.

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I like this house.  I want twin bonsai-style trees to stand guard over my front walkway.

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Oh, and small town America pretty much looks like this now. In case you hadn’t noticed.

2. I ran a mile and a half outside. A fair amount of it was, literally, running, not just walking. My legs cried themselves to sleep last night.

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3. I went on a hike. Because, when it’s finally in the 50s, there’s no such thing as a “rest day,” no matter how much your legs hurt. We did our usual trail, but started at the end instead of the beginning, to mix it up. (That’s what I call “adventure.” Also, we couldn’t go on a new trail because we prefer to research them and get directions, which was not possible without the Internet.)

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4. I played with my new kettle bell. I would have done a kettle bell workout from the Internet, except that I had no Internet. You have no idea how much you rely on it until it’s gone. I just sort of messed with the kettle bell, trying to keep my back in line, doing stuff I vaguely remembered from watching how-tos many moons ago. I do not think this method is effective when it comes to getting Michelle Obama arms.

5. I read two books in their entirety:

  • Beat the Reaper by Josh Bazell  is full of information about medicine and the mob. It’s ridiculously well-researched, which is a weird thing to say about a work of fiction, but there it is. A former hit man for the mob goes into the Witness Protection Program decides to do life-penance by becoming a doctor and saving the lives of the innocent. For some reason, the Witness Protection Program doesn’t make him move to another city, so one of his patients turns out to be someone he knew from his past life. Insert mayhem here. Great literature it is not; but it’s fast, easy, and fun to read.
  • This is a Book showcases Demitri Martin’s fabulous brain, which I want wear as a hat. This (aptly titled) book is pretty much his standup – complete with several sections of pictures – in written form. If you like brainy and deadpan writing, this will be up your alley.

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6. I got a haircut. It was getting weird in the back; Shauna at Euphoria Salon fixed it. Technically this happened Friday, not over the weekend.

7. I made my first really shitty stir-fry. Usually throwing a bunch of ingredients into a skillet works for me. Alas, not this time. Welcome to Bland-ville. I fed it to the dog. My loss was his gain.

8. I reconfigured my iPhone playlists into three categories: “Cardio,” “Weights,” and “Walking.” Cardio’s all the uptempo stuff; Weights contains the heavy, aggressive beats; and Walking is the catch-all for the rest.

I mess with my playlists a lot; but every time I do it, I still feel like I’ve saved an Arctic seal from being clubbed. That’s right: the perfect playlists are magic.

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9. We ate at the Pump Station, a gas-station-turned-coffee-shop. It’s amazing, y’all.

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10. We went to visit our friend who’s recovering from surgery. Pizza party!

11. We finally rented and watched Pitch Perfect! It’s funny, cute, and makes you want to dance. All of my gay friends had recommended it, but I was lukewarm. I now regret that ambivalence. I wish I had seen this in theaters, too. It’s a “feel-good movie,” which I mean in the very best sense.

Now the Internet is back, so I’m going to resume my hectic schedule of messing around on Pinterest and updating this thing.