Barbie-Flavored Victorian Explosion

Mad tea party, anyone?

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Darling Alys, for whom this stag sipping tea was designed, is to be lawfully wedded to a man whose last name is literally Grimm. She’s going to be Alys in Grimm-land. You know what that means, don’t you? If you guessed “fancy hats in the pinkest place you can imagine,” you nailed it.

If you’re ever in Bethel Park, PA (… for some reason), you should check out Bella’s House of Fine Teas.

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I’m not kidding. Look at this place. It had custom-painted ceiling tiles with little pink flowers and hearts on them. Though it’s mostly a Barbie-flavored Victorian explosion, the other rooms have other themes/color schemes.

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You might notice the weird number of wedding dresses everywhere. I thought they’d broken them out to be in theme for Alys’ shower. Not so. They just have old wedding dresses up all over the place.

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Here’s the bride-to-be being thrilled that she matches the décor. On the right is Drea enjoying a sandwich croissant and sipping chai.

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What did she get? you may ask. I gave her like $50 worth of chocolate, which is a shit-ton, and she is absolutely not giving a single ounce to her husband. She also received a porcelain bride doll from her grandmother (which goes with a set).

Her mother made her a bee hat with a rainbow of garters to give out as favors. No one understood the bee hat or the garters, exactly. I got a black one and spent the rest of the evening striding through supermarkets and family dinners with it exposed like a flapper. I take the joke too far.

Good stuff! Congratulations, Alys & Chris!

A Sketchy Haunted House Behind a Farm Market

My husband has the uncanny ability to crawl through the tubes of the Internet and come back clutching its stray odds and ends.

Like Haunted Fright Fest, held conveniently behind Leighty’s Farm Market in scenic Newry, Pennsylvania. (If that webpage wasn’t retro for you, you can also check out this site that appears to have been made in 1997.)

There’s a Spook House ($10 each), a Creepy Cornstalk Walk ($9 each), and a Freak Show ($3 each).

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The Spook House is the primary attraction. The disclaimer says it’s not going to pay for your dry cleaning “when you wet your pants.”

They didn’t write “if,” kids. They wrote “when.”

And they’re right. Because it’s terrifying in its claustrophobic mazelike almost-pitch-black-ness. Some haunted houses are too brightly lit. If I can see your seams, or that the blood isn’t the right color, I’m taken out. Pitch black allows me to envision the very, very worst. There are lit bits with cool setpieces and plenty of jump scares.

I actually really recommend this haunted house. 

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For more money, you can also walk through the haunted corn field.

There are like three stalks of corn back there and some tarps.

Sometimes people jump at you from behind the tarps.

It’s basically the saddest thing of all time. Don’t do this part.

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The Freak Show is a glorified petting zoo. There aren’t any performers like at Coney Island or on Freakshow. You walk under a giant tent, look at some (possibly fake) taxidermied two-headed animals in cases and pet some goats, a donkey, a cow, &c.

But for $3 a person, it’s totally worth it because everyone likes petting goats.

If you don’t like farm animal time, you’re more horrifying than anything this place has to offer.

Four Pittsburgh Haunts

Saying I like Halloween is like saying David Hasselhoff likes combining booze and hamburgers. Saying I “dig” Halloween or “am kind of crazy about” Halloween doesn’t do it justice, either. Because I am a frigging Halloween ninja of epic proportions. The instant October rolls around, I’m on the Internet, looking for people in costume to jump out at me.

Last weekend, I hit up Pittsburgh, I asked, “Why go to one haunt when I could go to four?”

Honestly. Someone answer me. I can’t help myself.

Terrors

Here are reviews and recommendations for Yinzers (Pittsburgh residents) looking for a good scare: