While thinking (fretting) (panicking) about what the next four years will be like, I wondered, is there literally anything Donald Trump could do as president to to make me like him?
In between these illustrations, I have a few non-partisan suggestions that everyone in America can get behind.
Make the Barenstain Bears the Barenstein Bears again. I think everyone would feel better if this creepy alternate-universe conspiracy were set to rights. Just make them officially the Barenstein Bears and we’ll all feel better.
Cleaner gas station bathrooms. Sit to poo without fear, America.
Bigger fireworks. Bigger! Sparklier! Make ’em ‘uuuuuuuuuge!
Taco trucks on every corner. The Donald needs to reconsider disparaging this notion. It’d really perk everyone up.
Banning the Chicken Dance from Large Gatherings. I wrote a letter to my wedding DJ about how he must not play this song on my Special Day under any circumstances. I’m not above writing a letter to President Trump to the same effect.
Puppies. His family should adopt a shelter animal. A really cute one. Preferably a dog, not a cat, because everyone likes a dog. Cats are the snooty pets of liberal, elite ivy-tower types.
Ticks. They’re the grossest, most terrifying threat to our nation. I just scratched my bosom and found one. I’ve never been bitten by an undocumented immigrant.
And, most importantly,
Let us see inside Area 51. Please, Donny. We’re all dying to know.
