5 Movies I’m Looking Forward To This Year, Chronologically

I almost never miss $5 Movie Night.

Because this special runs at my theater every Tuesday, I watch a lot of filler movies. Action flicks like Tarzan and Underworld: Blood Wars. Horror flicks like Don’t Breathe and Lights Out. And basically every cartoon about animals.

In between total rubbish, I enjoy plenty of good films. Here’s what’s on my docket for Tuesdays in 2017.

^ Lego Batman movie (February 10th). When you think about it, what Bruce Wayne really needs is some therapy. If he can’t have that, we’ll just have to settle for giggling at him in Lego form.

^ A Cure for Wellness (February 17th). Is there an evil secret lurking in this fancy spa? Probably, otherwise they wouldn’t make a movie about it. Oooh, I hope the secret is something really heinous.

^ The Circle (April 28th). Imagine if Google and Facebook merged into one super-company with a fondness for complete surveillance of everyone, all the time. Emma Watson is playing the protagonist, if that helps stoke your enthusiasm. Read the book or hit up the trailer.

My Application to The Avengers Initiative and/or League of Justice, Whichever

Batman vs Superman blew chunks.

It’s time we all admitted that Superman needs to go — and I should replace him.

Behold my lovingly illustrated application.

Backstory

The hottest fires forge the strongest steel.

Intelligence

This spatial memory also assists with directions. Sometimes.

Strength

I am very dedicated to self-improvement. (That’s Falcon up there.)

Struggle

I can be undone by pollen, dust, cats, hay, cold, and exercise. This makes my character well-rounded. Nobody loves a Mary Sue.

Charisma

I may not always be riveting, but some of my competition is weak sauce.

Finale

In the end, the Avengers and the League of Justice admitted me to their ranks.

What does your superhero self bring to the table?

5 Geeky Spinoffs I’d Pay Cold Hard Cash To See

Spinoffs

 

The Dr Wu Makes Morally Dubious Dinosaur Decisions Power Hour. My crush on BD Wong cannot be stopped. I want to know more about that lab with all the spines. I want to learn about the making of I-Rex. I want to see Dr Wu’s slippery descent into madness/evil. If you want to read more about BD Wong’s own take on the character, you should read this article.

Michael and Walter’s Adventures In The Future. At the end of Fringe, our favorite scientist and a proto-Observer go to avert the Observers’ creation. They demonstrate that the eradication of emotion is not the only way to protect the environment. They save the damn world. Let’s face it: I just want more Walter.

Where’s Bucky? I imagine this to be a movie like Eat Pray Love, minus the colonialist, racist undertones. In the end, there’s a tender reunion between him and Steve Rogers. Music swells. Etc.

Just more Patton Oswalt from Agents of Shield, maybe a sitcom? Patton Oswalt’s army of clones is totally unexplained. Where did they come from? What makes this particular DNA sequence the best choice? How does he feel about the job? About his brothers? What was growing up like? I want to know it all. I want more screen time with Patton, overall.

The Shanks. I want a Kardashian-style spinoff of Space Cases that’s about George Takei’s Warlord Shank character. Even as a child, I was like “this is a very gay villain.” George Takei was just basically himself in a green lizard costume. We could get some backup from his daughter, the schizophrenic/psychic Elmira. They’d fight all the time about whether he was allowed to kill her friends. It’d be beautiful.

Shank-Elmira

Are you hearing this, movie/TV execs? I have money and I’m ready to spend it.

4 Sci-Fi/Horror Movies To Watch This Weekend

Real talk: you need to see the new Mad Max movie immediately.

Before you scoff at me, you should know that this movie features no anti-Semites (that we know of) and the protagonist is actually Charlize Theron with a steampunk cyborg arm.

I know it sounds stupid, but this movie is epic, and must be seen in theaters to fully enjoy. It’s a surroundsound whiplash orgy with a shocking 98% on rotten tomatoes (almost unheard of).

Imperator-Furiosa

This film is so feminist this guy’s scrotum killed itself (please click that link).

It’s also visually intense.

MadMax-Branding

Have you ever really considered the notion of “branding”? Cattle gets branded. When you wear a logo, you’re basically tying yourself in with a company — being owned by it.

In this movie, one of the most important things I noticed was the villain’s (really cool) skull-in-steering-wheel logo everywhere. If he were a cat, he’d have pissed all over this entire movie.

It’s on his face. It’s on his cars. It’s on his slaves. It’s on his wives’ chastity belts. Keep an eye out: this notion of ownership is very important to the film. You will be rewarded for your keen eye. The world-building is exquisite.

You will also be rewarded by the amazing guitarist-on-bungee-cords character. He’s a Civil War drummer boy on steroids. He. is. so. metal.

Other films I’ve seen lately: 

Movies-Seen

Housebound (Netflix). A young woman is put on house arrest with her parents. The house is haunted, and there might be a murderer on the loose. This movie’s the perfect mix of funny, creepy, and outright weird.

Avengers: Age of Ultron (theaters). I saw this movie. I enjoyed this movie. The movie ended, and I haven’t really thought about it since. One of the hallmarks of a good movie, I think, is whether it sticks with you, but this movie slid right off when I exited the theater. There were so many characters and action scenes that the plot took second place. Nobody really got a chance to shine. That said, if you want to watch things punch each other and blow up — admire Robert Downey Jr — this is for you.

Ex Machina (theaters). At what point can artificial intelligence match human intelligence and emotion? Can artificial intelligence have emotion? Rage? Love? This movie deals with these heavy topics as an AI creator, his employee, and his AI manipulate each other toward a suspenseful climax. Though the trailers portray this as an action movie, it’s really more of an indie thought piece.

Enjoy your theater-going, friends — I’ll be back soon with books. (Nerdy!)