5 Pieces of Hygiene & Medical Advice I’ll Never Follow

Some of us are glorious bastions of self-care; others are sewer rats trembling against the cold that has pervaded their dumpster.

Come. Join me in the sewer underneath the subway grate. It’s slightly warmer there.

We can hold hands and learn beauty tips we will inevitably ignore.

Advice: Wash Your Face Before and/or After The Shower, Not During
Reasoning: You’ll strip the moisture off your face.
My take:  My face is part of my body, and it will be treated as such. I will only treat my skin like a princess if it starts cracking apart and sliding off my skull.

Advice: Avoid Brushing Your Teeth Right After You Eat
Reasoning: You can rub acid deeper into your teeth, and/or scrape off the enamel.
My take:  There’s no time in my morning for food, leisurely pause, brushing, then leaving. It’s a violation of the Geneva Convention to expose others to my morning breath, so I must simply brush and bounce.

Advice: Drink Apple Cider Vinegar
Reasoning: This allegedly works to fight obesity, tummy aches, colds, dandruff, your grandmother demanding you call her more, etc.
My take: I wasn’t placed on earth to eat gross things. I refused to eat hamburgers until I was in my twenties because I thought they were yucky. At 33, I still won’t eat slaw, seafood, sushi, cottage cheese, Jell-O, or anything gloppy, stinky or lumpy. There’s no way I’m going to just drink vinegar. You will have to mix that shit in with my embalming fluid to get it into me. 

Advice: Take Cold Showers
Reasoning: It assists with weight loss, good skin, and depression treatment.
My take: … But at what cost? I tried this for a week or two, actually. I’d take a shower at a normal temperature, then spend the last minute blasting myself with cold water. In a way, it did help with sadness — because I’d spent that minute just laughing maniacally at my own stupidity.

Advice: Don’t Let Your Dog Lick Your Face
Reasoning: Dogs are gross vectors of disease.
My take: I love dogs and they love me. If I’m going to die anyway, this might as well be it. 

Zoom and Enhance: Beautiful & Horrific Faces


Listen, you guys, I love you very much, but I have no idea what your deal with Sleepy Hollow is. I want to go to your party, because it’s better than crying on my couch alone, but I just can’t feel myself to.

I do have one nice thing about Sleepy Hollow, though: I liked this monster design.


He’s a Native American demon that kills people who don’t tell the truth. Or something. That’s not the point.

The point is that horror makeup, when done well, will take your scary to the next level.

Take also the Gentlemen from Buffy the Vampire.


“The Gentlemen were bald, pale humanoids that never spoke but were always grinning maliciously through metallic teeth. They wore black suits and carried satchels with scalpels in them with which to remove the hearts they required. They did not walk, but instead hovered about a foot above the ground, standing perfectly straight.”

Not mentioned: the fact that I had nightmares for weeks after seeing that episode.

But it’s not all terror, though that’s my favorite. There are also beautiful examples like these.


(Credits: 1) Natalie M; 2) Elena Iluhina, source; 3) RJ Haddy; 4) Tomonobu Iwakura; 5) Miyo Nakamura, source; 6) Cinema Makeup School at Monsterpalooza; 7) Richard Burbridge, source)

Wow, right?

It’s like an all-you-can-eat buffet, minus the part where you get sick afterwards from unwittingly eating cat.

Those of you more interested in watching special effects makeup get made from scratch — albeit in a seemingly scripted and formulaically-structured way — should watch Face-Off on Syfy Channel. I’m not getting paid by them to say this; it’s a good show.

If you can’t be bothered with things like plot and just want to look at pictures, check out the makeup artist group on Flickr.

Stunning. Keep up the good work, face-morphers.