Tag: instagram

Don’t Believe My Instagram Account’s Lies

Study after study has shown that social media makes everyone bitter. When all of us show only our best sides, we live in a funhouse mirror-world where we think everyone else is happy all the time.

Sometimes life’s not so great!

Let me show you!

Here are some really great “happy” photos from my Instagram, plus the truths behind them.

Screen Shot 2014-07-29 at 9.32.31 PM

The Photo’s Inherent Lie: “I am super fun and whimsical and in love!”
Truth-Bomb: “Also: I’m sweating my ass off and I have to pee. But I just peed before this photo and I feel too self-conscious to tell people that I have to go again. Also, my parents are in town and I’m worried they have noticed I don’t quite have it together yet.”

Screen Shot 2014-07-29 at 9.34.04 PM

The Photo’s Inherent Lie: “I am a Dog Whisperer. Also, I’m proud to have painted my library such a nice shade of blue.”
Truth-Bomb: “I am super-close to this animal’s farts. I am having a bad hair day.”

Screen Shot 2014-07-29 at 9.33.38 PM

The Photo’s Inherent Lie: “My dog is laying on my purse because he doesn’t want me to go to work! I AM SO GOOD WITH ANIMALS!”
Truth-Bomb: “I’m really bad at setting boundaries with the dog, which is why he lays on my crap. His damn fur gets all over everything, all the time, everywhere. I’ll be in another town and find his fur on my clothes or in my food. My husband and I argue about vacuuming because we’re sick of having to do it all the time.”

Screen Shot 2014-07-29 at 9.33.24 PM

The Photo’s Inherent Lie: “I’m a successful homemaker and gardener!”
Truth-Bomb: “Most of these flowers wilted within 12 hours. Fuck lilies. When they deflate, they looked like shriveled scrotums.”

Screen Shot 2014-07-29 at 9.35.12 PM

The Photo’s Inherent Lie: “I lead a charmed existence!”
Truth-Bomb: “I’m sweating, and I just paid $5 for lemonade that was mostly ice. Also, this photo is blurred and cropped oddly because I thought I looked fat. I only posted it because I felt bad about making my husband take it in the first place.”

Screen Shot 2014-07-29 at 9.32.56 PM

The Photo’s Inherent Lie: “I am stylish!”
Truth-Bomb: “I bought these shoes used for $4. I will have to wear them with socks forever because ew.”

Until next time, keep lying, friends. The Internet’s homeostasis depends upon it. 

I finally saw Wizard of Oz!

When I was wee, my dad would spend Saturdays with me and my brother. He’d take us out for fast food of our choice then take us to a VHS rental place and let us pick out a movie to watch that afternoon. (Is my age showing?)

We picked the 1960s Batman movie a lot. I was also into this weird Donald Duck mathematics movie.

I’ve never seen Wizard of Oz.

Totally missed it.

Last night, we fixed that.

Wizard of Oz Illustration

My friend Kat made a cupcake rainbow; we activated Rifftrax and settled in for some delights.

I’m grateful for the additional comedy soundtrack. It’s a really long movie — both old and for kids, two strikes against it.

However, despite its bizarre plot holes and annoying characters, Wizard of Oz is stunningly beautiful, fantastically weird, and utterly charming.

Oh, and I loved the super-gay Tin Man. He’s the new hero of my heart.

Speaking of fab…

Image of Dogs

Here are some dogs — Brenny the corgi, Chubbs the bulldog, and, of course, Willie the beagle/border collie mix.

This does not tie into my review of Wizard of Oz in any way. I just thought dog pictures would enhance this post.

How to get that vinage look post-Instagram.

Just because I’ve left Instagram doesn’t mean I’ve given up on the joys of fake vintage photography. There are tons of awesome programs out there, just waiting for you to mess with them! Here are a few of my new photos:

Snow-Highway

^ The snowy ride into Pittsburgh.

Snow-Face

^ I’m a snow bunny!

Okay, that’s all well and good, but it does you no good without the programs, right?

I’m going to show you four of them. Today we’ll be starting from my mother-in-law’s Yorkie mix, Spike, because if you’re going to look at a picture again and again, it should be a cute dog.

Doodle-Original

He’s handsome, but, truth be told, he’s a grumpy old man.

Doodle-Pixlr

1. Pixlr-O-Matic: This song-and-dance is also available online. It’s the most shiny and outlandish of your options. There are tons of photo filters, light add-ons, and frames available if you pay a dollar. Come on, guys: it’s a dollar. Don’t pretend you can’t afford it. Also, there’s a sweet-ass “randomize” button which will shuffle everything up, so you get a different combination of the three categories each time. Here are four different versions I got of Spike from pressing Randomize a bunch of times and saving the ones I liked best.

Doodle-Snapseed

2. Snapseed: This is made by the good people at Google. It’s arguably the most versatile thing on this list. There are tons of permutations, filters, distress patterns, etc possible. The results feel genuine. Oh, and it’s free.

Doodle-Flickr

3. Flickr: Its new app is very sleek and fun. There are a fair number of options that hold up pretty well. It does bother me that the frames are tied into the filters. Sometimes that gritty edge is awesome; but usually it’s contrived. Anyway, also free!

Doodle-EyeEm

4. EyeEm: This is a photo-sharing service like Instagram. Here are a few of its built-in filters. It also has a variety of frames (not pictured; they aren’t entirely my bag, for the most part). What I really like about EyeEm are two things: a) they allow for non-square photographs, and b) they have a categorization structure that’s more easily search-able. Also free. Everyone digs free. My account is starling!

The best results come from mixing and matching the different programs. (The above examples were just one program t0 show you the particular capabilities of each.) Using lots of different programs allows the photographs to transform into swatches of color and mood. I’m going to talk about this more tomorrow (in painful detail, I’m sure), but for now, here are a few pictures I’ve taken this week:

Muppets

^ Does anyone else remember Muppet Babies?

Yay-Theatre

^ Cheating a little: I took this picture a few months ago, but just edited it this week.

Owl-Necklace

^ My friend Caroline got me this wonderful necklace for Christmas. I painted her son an owl on canvas for his room, and this made her think of me. Squee to the max.

Macho-Men

^ I guess this isn’t the bathroom for me.

FleetCard

^ I love this robot mascot. Amazing design.

I’ve been thinking a lot about photography lately, what it means and how I think about it, and I think that playing around with these programs is making me interact with the world in a new way.

More tomorrow! Bye!

So Long and Thanks for All The Fish, Instagram.

Alas, the fun “make-your-pictures-look-artfully-old” application Instagram has finally run its course. It recently introduced new terms of service that allow them to use your work for commercial gain, then backpedaled.

Though it’s unlikely that they’ll follow through with their intended course of action (especially after the Internet outcry), I’m still pissed — because it’s just the sort of thing that I’d expect Facebook to do. When I read the initial article, I was not surprised whatsoever. That’s how sleazy I think Zuckerberg & company are.

Now that the scare is over, I’m still going through with deleting my account. Other applications — run by people I might hypothetically like better — fill the same niche. It’s time to explore different applications, techniques, and social circles.

It’s time to say goodbye. To quote Douglas Adams:

Insta-01

Insta-02

Insta-03

Insta-04

“If I had just one last wish
I would like a tasty fish
If we could just change one thing
We would all learn how to sing

Come one and all
Man and Mammal
Side by side in life’s great gene pool!”

Goodnight, Internet.