Week In Media: 10 Cloverfield Lane, One Million Bullets, Magicians Trilogy, & Good Girl

The magic of 10 Cloverfield Lane is that the ads don’t tell you anything. I won’t tell you anything, either — because that’ll ruin some of the fun. This movie is tense and unforgettable. There isn’t a moment you’ll feel safe to go to the bathroom. You will hold your pee inside happily.

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10 Lesser-Known Horror Movies To Enjoy Before Halloween

I used to be terrified of the dark. I had a night-light until I was 18. I held my pee until I was in agony because I didn’t want to leave the safety of my bed. I made my brother — my younger brother — sleep on the basement couches with me on the weekends.

Now I can’t get enough horror.

I don’t even mind the shitty stuff — but today I’m going to talk about some really great movies. I’ve divided ten lesser-known horror flicks into three groups: funny, ill-thunk, and classic. There’s something for everyone!

Everyone except my childhood self, that is.

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1. Final Girls. Contemporary teens get trapped in an 80s slasher flick they know by heart. Can they prevent the deaths of the characters — and themselves?

2. Housebound. In lieu of jail, police ground a fully-grown woman to her parents’ home. (Does this really happen in New Zealand?) The protagonist uses this time to investigate the mysteries of her probably-haunted house.

3. Creep. A man films a shady subject — and his creepy wolf mask.

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4. The Shrine. A cult kills anyone who sees the statue they’re guarding. Filmmakers wisely decide to check the statue out for themselves.

5. Absentia. This public service announcement warns about the dangers of running — and of attempting to negotiate with an unknown tunnel-monster.

6. Splice. Rogue scientists decide it’d be swell to mix human DNA into the creatures they’re creating.

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7. Six Souls. A man’s multiple personalities turn out to be murder victims. Research into the murders reveals a daisy chain of disaster and creepiness that may be impossible to stop.

8. Red Lights. A professional debunker goes head-to-head with a psychic who might be the real thing.

9. Frailty. A father raises his sons in a religious tradition that involves murdering people in their shed. Then it gets even more messed up.

10. Session 9. An asbestos cleaning crew starts playing recordings they find in a dilapidated asylum. (Maybe, in retrospect, this should go under the “really bad ideas” category, but I’ve already drawn up the graphics.)

If you have any recommendations for horror movies, please let me know. I would love to talk terror with you.

5 Things That Happened During The Month I Forgot About This Blog

Whoops. Forgot I had a blog. My bad. Sorry, Mom.

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1. I hiked Watkins Glen, an orgy of waterfalls and gorges. The Finger Lakes is a gorge-ous place.

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2. I got a second tattoo, of a death’s head moth (top). I illustrated the original illustration for the tattoo artist to apply. It’s a reference to my love of Hannibal/horror/reading/movies/Silence of the Lambs.

The hairs there are from my dog shedding into the moisturizer. Which is gross, but not as gross as the back hair people were joking about on Facebook. With friends like these, who needs enemies?

The bottom tattoo is Alys’. We got the tattoos together, because TWINSIES. So Goth. Very wow.

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3. I crocheted Clyde the Yeti. He likes jazz music. We share a classic pear body type.

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4. I designed this logo for an ice cream pop company. Delicious.

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5. I was my husband’s muse. Behold this portrait. It’s me, imagining cake.

As you can see, I am the second-best artist in the family.

I should hand this blog over to him.

He’d probably update it.

Three Unattractive/Scary Drawings

Each of these drawings has elicited a raised eyebrow and/or recoil from at least one person.

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SELFIE ALERT. I’m not very muscular, okay? My wimpy T-Rex arms and I have to take life one day at a time.

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Clowns are not a popular subject ’round these parts. Or any parts.

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My husband the Futurama fan is alarmed by this Bender with a diseased human trapped inside.

“That’s so wrong,” he said. “Don’t ever show it to me again.” 

Ever wondered why I’m so in demand? Here you have it.

If you’re interested in more attractive pages, I posted some a few days ago.

Ads That Are Memorable for the Wrong Reason

The annual Lemont Strawberry Festival was halfheartedly promoted with a few hand-drawn signs scattered around town.

The signs were so ugly and forgettable that my husband said he could do better.

I said I could one-up “better” — I could make something very, very memorable.

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Icky, right?

Creepy and ugly ad campaigns are my favorite. Consider, for example, the tattoo-worthy Burger King:

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This is not a guy you leave alone with your sister.