Maybe — for once — you get your Christmas cards together before January. You feel good about yourself! You want to ship your holiday cheer out immediately!
You decide to go with Harry Potter stamps. This is when things begin to go downhill.
1. When your local post office does not carry this line of stamps, keep calm and carry on. These Potter stamps are worth a little inconvenience. Say to yourself: “Okay. This is still doable. I will simply order the stamps from USPS.com.”
2. When USPS.com charges you for shipping, do not blow your wad. Isn’t the whole point of this service, in and of itself, shipping? How crazy is this? Say to yourself, “Okay. I will pay this dollar. Fine. Everything is fine.”
3. When you don’t receive a tracking number from USPS for an entire week, eat a cookie. It’s okay. Eat two. Begin to hand out cards in person, wherever possible.
4. Three days later, when your tracking number still indicates your stamps haven’t even left USPS.com, calmly separate out your piles of mail into “Harry Potter fans” and “people who don’t give a shit what stamps they get.” You will see why in a moment.
5. Go to the post office. When you have to wait in a really long line, play Candy Crush. The graphics will remind you of sweets. You cannot eat those yet. Wait until the next step.
6. Purchase Pixar stamps. Affix these to your pile of “people who don’t give a shit what stamps they get.” Pixar is awesome. Throw this pile in a blue box and promptly forget about it. It feels nice to have this done, right? Reward yourself with another cookie. You will find enormous piles of sweets on any break table at any workplace in the country.
7. When it’s days later and you still have no effing idea where your HP swag is, decide everyone’s just going to have to love Pixar. Sorry, Potter fans. Those cards are causing sleep loss.
8. Go back to the post office. Wait in another long line. Buy more Pixar stamps. Mail the rest. Then eat another cookie. You’re done until next year when you — for some reason — do it all over again.
9. Update! Post in your blog about your tragedies, and have one of your friends come through with some extras! Thank her profusely and publicly on said blog. You know how you should thank her? Cookies. Go for the cookie jar again. It’s Christmas.