My friends have a “don’t wish for career ending injuries” policy. I’ve tried so hard to adhere to it, but I think I’m failing.
So many articles give conflicting information about exercise and nutrition. Will Crossfit destroy your body? Is Paleo historically accurate? Should we all be wearing those funny five-toe sneakers? Juicing sounds horrible; is it good for anyone? Which comes first — chicken or egg, strength or cardio?
Doesn’t all that make you want to lie down under a blanket with a bottle of wine and, like, never talk to anyone again? Especially people who know about sportsball and all that?
I know. Yuck. That’s why I follow the Leah Lucci Super Starling Fitness Model.
Read on to be a Size 12 (or whatever, I don’t care) Superstar.
When exercising outside, dogs are your indication that it’s time to rest. Unless it’s a zombie apocalypse, you can feel free to stop and pet the dog. Breathe. Recuperate. Then get back in the game. Or not. Consult a physician.
Try not to eat a giant cookie the size of your head every day, like I used to do. These cookies are available everywhere. The cellophane crinkle upon opening is exactly the same pitch as Satan’s giggle. I’m not saying to cut them out — god no. Just, like, start at 6 days a week and maybe work your way down.
It’s okay to switch from running to walking when you’re tired. When the song changes to something good, run again. Or don’t. I’m not here to tell you what to do. But eventually the back-and-forth running-walking will turn into more running and less walking. If you care about that sort of thing. (A 2-mile walk and a 2-mile run are different. But no one’s sure which is better. Enjoy reading all the evil, contradictory literature on this. I’ll wait.)
Water’s pretty good for you. Drinking it is boring, and then you have to pee all the time, and then people make fun of you for it. But scientists seem to agree on water. Down the hatch!
You probably shouldn’t be chugging soda. But it’s delicious. Especially when mixed with spiced rum. So… I’m not going to lie to you, that’s tough.
Booze: the jury’s out. One or two a day is better than none, apparently. But a whole lot means your liver fails and/or your parents are disappointed. So you might want to err on “less.”
It’s better to make your food at home. A lazy-ass peanut butter sandwich is healthier than almost anything you’re going to eat while you’re out. Even if you order from the “700 calories or fewer menu,” you’re going to wreck it by slamming approximately five Cheddar Bay Biscuits™. You and your husband will “jokingly” try to find out who can eat more biscuits in a meal. This battle cannot truly have a winner.
Television fucking rocks, so spend the first half of any show you’re watching idly doing leg lefts or flailing around with a kettle bell. You will be sweaty and your dog will try to get in on every single yoga pose. But you will feel superior to the couch-sitter beside you.
When you’re done working out, lay on the floor and finish watching your show. Drip sweat onto the floor. Assume a pose like you’re going to resume your workout at any second. You might! You’re down there in stretchy pants! It could happen!
If all else fails, just photoshop your body onto a fitter person’s body. Most people don’t see you in person; they see you on Facebook, which is online. Online, you can be anyone! ANYONE!
Find a hobby that’s really fulfilling. The fitness thing is just so you don’t have to be cut out of your house when you die. In the meantime, now that you’re fairly healthy and like yourself okay, focus on what matters. Like catching all the Pokémon, for example. A lot of people seem really into that.