The only thing worse than working in a cubicle is working for the Dark Side. The lighting is terrible. The outfits are uncomfortable. Your boss is a sith-head.
(Get it? It’s like shit-head. “Shit” and “sith” even have the same letters.)
What are the benefits? What’s the health plan like?
Let’s talk about it in today’s Long Digression About Star Wars (no spoilers).
The Dark Side has a great PR campaign. The argument posed to Anakin Skywalker was something like “hey, buddy, this will make you feel better. This will solve your problems.” The Jedi weren’t offering such a deal. Which leads me to…
Being a Jedi sucks. You have to be pure. You can’t get married. The outfits aren’t cool. Meditation is boring.
The Dark Side is addictive, like drugs. Like drugs, you act all erratic and raged-out — and it’s terrible for your skin:
The Dark Side is a cool way to rebel against The Man. Is there anything more metal — literally or figuratively — than Darth Vader?
The Dark Side has better toys. Who wouldn’t want to push the button on the Death Star? How tempting is that?
The Dark Side is cleaner. If you have OCD, you’ll like that all those Empire ships are spick-and-span. The entire fleet is spotless. Their organization game is on point.
But seriously, here’s what I actually believe is the case:
The Dark Side’s structure makes it easier to rise in the ranks. You know if you’re powerful.
In the real world, it’s tough to determine who’s “winning.” (Insert Charlie Sheen joke here.) There are so many different ways to figure out hierarchy.
Is the rich guy winning? Is the healthy guy winning? Is the attractive guy winning?
Is it the guy who has a hot wife — or is it the guy who’s found his soul mate?
Is it the guy with kids — or the guy who managed to dodge the kid bullet?
Is it the guy who travels all the time? The guy who hangs out in his mansion? The guy who abandoned all that and just surfs on the beach near his apartment?
The “real world” has so many variables and ways to attain success. It’s hard to know if you’ve “made it.”
In the Empire, there’s no scrambling or uncertainty — especially if you have the Force. The variables are gone. You are immediately at the top. You are important.
(Or, at least, the creepy guy in charge tells you that you are.)
It’s simple, and it’s clear.
But if you realize you’ve made a mistake, it’s almost impossible to go back.
Who wants to shame-walk back to the people they’ve betrayed?
Once you’re in the Dark Side, you’re stuck.