^ 1. It’d be super-fun to submit something to this year’s Graceful Envelope Contest. Check out the galleries of winners here.
2. We always suspected this, but it’s now been proven that dogs know who’s a jerk.
^ 3. Go ahead and google “goblin shark.” I’ll wait.
4. This Amazon Review makes me laugh every time I think about it. I keep it in my brain’s (metaphorical) back pocket and break it out as needed.
^ 5. The Japanese magazine FRUiTS is shutting down because “there were no more fashionable kids to photograph.” Kids these days. Am I right? Get off my lawn, you shabbily-dressed ragamuffins.
I discarded 40% of my wardrobe today, talking smack the whole time to the losers. I said stuff like:
– “You chafe my armpits and have to go.”
– “You require a slip and that’s bullshit. Thanks for your service.”
– “You are boxy and weird.”
– “You are doing my chest no favors.”
– “You are a Janet-Jackson-caliber wardrobe malfunction waiting to happen.”
– “You are a crutch for my ‘ugly’ days and must leave.”
– “You make me look like a prairie woman.”
– “Does polyester burn? Because you deserve to burn.”
I started The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up to figure out how the fuck someone managed to fill up 200 pages on “tidying,” then dupe people into buying it.
Then I realized I was hopelessly in love with the author, who seems like a fussy old lady but is actually a very fetching young Japanese woman. She’s all about keeping only useful, beloved objects in your home, and treating them with love. (A great summary of her beliefs is here.) Her sort of Shintoist, animism-infused beliefs annoy Christians (1, 2), which I find funny.
I decided to try it myself.
I hauled all of my clothes out of the closet/drawers and dumped them on the bed. I held each item up and determined if it “sparked joy.”
It was touchy-feely nonsense, but it worked. I got rid of 30-40% of my wardrobe in under an hour.
You should try it.
I spotted this pretty patterned picture a few days ago and knew I had to get in on that bright, happy flower power.
I got so zesty about this that I created a custom pattern:
It was a brain-fiesta, and I’m pleased as punch.
If you want to make your own pattern, I recommend this tutorial. It explains the process much more succinctly than I ever could.
I’d wander off on some rumination about serifs, the odd adaptability of the dog genome, or how Guy Fieri got into all of these old paintings.
Be grateful that other people exist.
When they talk about “Christmas magic,” this is not what they mean.
If you have a witch — or an edgy teenager — on your list and are baffled, let me help you. This is right up my alley. My house is on the left, in fact.
Carved candle ($28) – You should click on this link just to look at the detailing. I’d never ever burn this. Partly because I have asthma, sure, but mostly because it’s a pretty object.
Cashmere star scarf ($150) – Gets the point across subtly.
Handmade journal ($49) – Spells, rants, grocery lists, haikus, ideas for essays, and dirty limericks all have a fancy new place to live.
The Magicians ($3+) – Did you feel that the Harry Potter series didn’t have enough drugs or desolation-fucking? If so, I have a bleak series just for you.
Engraved amethyst runes ($33) – It’s up to the recipient to figure out how these work. Aren’t they pretty?
American Horror Story: Coven figure ($12) – I have two of these: Myrtle Snow and Papa Legba. I adore them. They are creeping up my living room as I type.
Cardboard Safari human skull ($40-200) – A comment at the bottom of the site describes this as “the best skull I’ve ever had.” Try not to think too deeply about that.
Druzy moon necklace ($63) – I dare say these are… charming.
I’ll be here all week.
Merry Yule, Internet.
My long history of sartorial choices has me shocked I’ve ever had sex.
In middle school, I wore floral overalls everywhere. While those tumbled in the wash, I swapped in a sunflower crop top.
Next up were sweet-ass plaid bell-bottoms. What does one pair with such a garment? Everything — obviously.
Graduating up to high school meant evolving my style. Why walk in one’s pants when one can swim?
The week of my 30th birthday, I dumped three huge garbage bags off at the Goodwill. Turns out I’m still unable to pick ’em.