Christmas Suggestion For Difficult People: Bullet Jewelry

Can we all get together and agree, as a society, that Christmas shopping isn’t the most pleasurable? Like, what do you get someone who already has everything, or someone who has various interests and styles?

Today’s Christmas Suggestion For Difficult People is: bullet jewelry.

It’s weird. It straddles that line between “country person who kills deer” and “girly girl.” You’d think that line would be a mile wide, right? But it’s not.

Even the anti-violence hippie among us might like the irony of a deactivated bullet transformed into a flower.

bullets

1. Owls by Jectz (currently out of stock, but they have a lot of other awesome stuff).

2. Flower pendants by Jenuinely Jeni (on Etsy here), starting at $32

3. With ornate silver around the bullets, by Laura Lynns, $20-30ish

4. “Kiss My Brass” bracelet by BlingItOnBulletDZign, $85

5. “Big Bang” bracelet by RahyaJewelryDesigns, $175

6. Jewelry by Bullet Designs, LLC (this bracelet currently out of stock)

More suggestions to come in future posts! Enjoy!

Fangs of Fury

I am always on high alert for bears.

“But Leah — you’ve never been attacked by bears!” you might say. 

Right. I know. It’s because I’m constantly vigilant

Bathroom? Check behind that curtain for bears.

Bedtime? Check under the bed for bears.

Grocery shopping? Make sure they’re not in the candy aisle.

Work? You never know when a customer might actually be a bear in a human costume.

Threat-Down

People think Stephen Colbert’s all-out campaign against bears is a joke. It is not. He knows a menace to humanity when he sees one.

I have lovingly crafted this treasury on Etsy not as a tribute to bears, but as a reminder of what the enemy looks like. 

Godspeed, friends.

On Fairy Homelessness

What do you get a friend who has everything this holiday season?

A home for fairies, obviously.

Fairy-Village

Humans should stop worrying about people problems (“do I look fat in these jeans?”) and start focusing on solving pixie problems.

Fairy graffiti. Fairy pickpocketing. Fairy violence in the streets.

Don’t make me go all Sarah McLachlan “Angel” on you.

Wait, forget that. I’m going to do it anyway:

T0 learn more, I got serious with artist Courtney Noonan about her quest to save the world, one gossamer-winged family at a time.

Let’s talk fairy-homelessness. I know that this is a hot-button topic with a lot of opinions, and I’d like to hear what you have to say. Let’s start out with a softball question: how did you first hear about the wave of fairies without a place to rest their wings?

Well it wasn’t so much hearing about it as seeing it personally. When I would let my dog out at night, I noticed them hanging around my recycling bin. I guessed that they were trying to make lean-tos from old bottles, and I knew that I had to do something. You would think that fairy magic would save many of these ethereal beings from such a sad fate, but it seems that their magic mostly applies to children and animals, not so much their own finances.

Bills have been proposed to help move them into tiny apartment complexes, but it has been said that such unattractive, cramped quarters would dampen fairy spirits. What are the advantages of the fairy homes as opposed to larger, more institutional settings for fairies?

It’s an interesting question. As with humans, some fairies prefer communal living situations, but they are by far in the minority. Fairy houses give a sense of autonomy, privacy, and of course, add beauty to the surrounding landscape. The apartment complexes that have been attempted, as I understand, were made of poor quality watermelons and often collapsed – but that is all very hush hush. As with anything, if it is worth doing, it is worth doing right. The craftsmanship that goes into a fairy house of high quality Jack-Be-Little pumpkin, Red Delicious apple, or even our roomier foliage houses simply can’t be underestimated. Tell me, would you rather live in an apartment where your feet slip on seeds and even puncture the very floors, or in a modest, organic pear hollowed out right here in the United States?

My word. What a scandal! For our readers out there who perhaps do not have fairies in the area, what are the advantages of keeping resident fairies? And, if one does acquire a fairy house of one’s home, how does one attract a fairy and entice one to stay?

Well, fairies can be tricky. You may have a good fairy or a bad fairy take up residence in your house, much like rolling the dice with neighbors on your block. Good resident fairies will help tend your garden, make beautiful flowers bloom throughout the season, help you find lost items, and of course buy your childrens’ teeth from them. A bad fairy will play practical jokes, cause minor injuries like a twisted ankle, or cause you to get lost following their enchanting lights (see: hinkypunks). Fairies of all kinds will be attracted by the simple placement of an empty home, much like hermit crabs. You can also put out small saucers of honey, but that could attract bears as well. Having a slightly wild yard will entice the fairies to stay since they enjoy multiple hiding places and detest the use of chemicals.

Are fairies good with other types of creatures — for example, pets or other magical entities?

Yes, as long as they are good fairies – they will do their best to get along, make things run smoothly, not cheat at boardgames. The bad fairies, however, will set dogs to barking at “nothing” and have a particularly odd effect on cats. They will cause them to spring straight up into the air, growl in that strange cat way, or sprint out of a room. As far as other magical entities, fairies can at times come off a little conceited – but who wouldn’t when faced with the drab looks of a hobgoblin? They are also known for teaching tricks to unicorns.

Wow, Courtney! You are a giant tub of Leprechaun gold’s worth of information. Do you have any final remarks on your plans to personally help the fairies? What housing or artistic projects are in the works for you?

I try. In the future, I plan to continue constructing fairy houses that will fit fairy needs and green architectural standards. I see flowers making their way into the blueprints soon. I’ve also been delving back into photography to capture the natural beauty of the world as is – and hopefully some suspicious glowing orbs.

Specific-Fairy-Homes

Make sure you check Courtney’s work out on Etsy and her portfolio! Support the arts!

Cool Stuff That’s Really Expensive, So Just Look, And Don’t Touch, Okay?

I was a super-clumsy picked-last-for-gym kind of kid, and I’ve grown up into a super-clumsy thank-goodness-gym-class-is-over kind of adult. Sometimes I breathe funny and everything around me collapses.

To this day, I’m afraid of expensive stuff because I know I’ll ruin it. My clothes are from the Goodwill because I spill my lunch on myself daily. I know the instant I buy a new car, I’ll crash it into something that doesn’t move, like a post or a building. I haven’t replaced my 8-year-old laptop, mostly because, ugh, I’ll totally somehow accidentally take the new one skydiving with me and it’ll fall out of my pocket. Or something.

Today’s post is dedicated to Cool Stuff I Can’t Afford To Be Anywhere Near, Ever.

Hangy-Wire-Thing

Let’s start with everything by FORT. This hanger looks like a fun solution to a bunch of entryway problems until you realize it’s $1,552. Is it made of gold? And why are these four folding chairs $788?

I’m not trying to make fun of this company; I’m just saying I don’t understand what’s going on here, and just thinking about these objects might be physically harming them in their warehouse.

SpaceHog

Pie Studio (Facebook here) makes a lot of really funky, fascinating stuff. This piece, entitled “Space Hog,” is $3,299. I want it in my home just so my husband can have the opportunity to say, “I can tell my wife’s in a bad mood because she’s retreated into the Space Hog.

CrazyPerson

I’ve been keeping my eyes open for a headboard for my bed. At $700, this isn’t a total ripoff, actually. The texture says “these padded walls remind me of my time in the institution!”, but the black says “I’m chic!”

Pac-Man-Ghost

Okay, seriously? It’s not okay that my family doesn’t own this coffee table.

However, I think if we allowed ourselves to buy this, it would open up a gateway to an alternate dimension of geek spendiness — an extravagant lifestyle that will result in us doing lines of coke off George Takei himself. (Not to imply that he does drugs.) (I’m not sure what I’m implying here, actually, except that things would get out of hand rapidly.)

CrazyDesk

This $7,500 desk is touted as “metaphysical” by its creator, “Joseph the Wand Maker.”

Ew.

But look how cool the “flame-licked metal” is.

Want.

Curved-Lamp

This curved light would be awesome in my reading room. It looks like a cocoon. Could this be some sort of metaphor for my brain developing inside my skull through the sublime power of literature?

Crazy-Crazy-Goat

I like to end my blog posts on a high note. And nothing could be more high than this “goat luminary.” It’s not just taxidermy; it’s not just a rug; it’s not just a lamp. It’s  all three. It’s everything your room needs in one purchase. It’s so deep and overwhelming that it’ll stop your more yappy friends in their tracks with its sheer transcendence. 

It’s probably for the best that I can’t have nice things. My house would be fucknuts.

Want to read more like this post? 

If you like expensive things, check out fashionable gifts for awesome people.
If you want to see some more of my misguided efforts to decorate my house, check out the post featuring my circus sideshow Etsy home treasury.
If you want some more posts about taxidermy, check out my Trundle Manor posts.

Blasting off… in the wrong direction

This morning I had my headphones on and hopped the bus into work. Which was cool until the bus turned down a completely different road than it normally does.

And I realized:
“I may have gotten on the wrong bus.”

Then I wondered:
“Is there more than one bus that goes by my house?
I thought there was just the one.
Where could this one possibly go?”

At which point I recalled:
“I’ve gotten on the wrong bus before — and wound up on my way to the hospital instead of downtown.
I’ve gotten on the wrong subway car before — and wound up in Harlem.”

Luckily, this morning’s route had one stop downtown, which I gratefully took. I daresay I grand jetéd the fuck out of that bus.

I'm a pretty pretty ballerina!
(source photo for this image here)

Today’s collection of transportation-related beauties has been lovingly crafted in honor of my profound spaciness. 

A Transportation List on Etsy

The best proof of my spaciness (literally!): three Tardis-related things.

Because we all know I’d be dancing to Nicki Minaj or something and teleport the Tardis into a wall. 

Oops. Dead.

I suspect this is why my husband always insists on driving us places.