Tag: creepy

Final request: as I lay dying, feed me salt water, then slow-roast me & put me in a walnut shell coffin.

Final request: as I lay dying, feed me salt water, then slow-roast me & put me in a walnut shell coffin.

“What a strange thing to say,” the Internet whispers.

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But I just described precisely what some people in the Kabayan Phillipines were doing to their dead until around 1500.

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(The lady on the left is alive, probably.)

What makes the Fire Mummies particularly cool is the fact that the process began before the person died. People who were on their way out would drink very salty fluids before they bounced. Then they’d cook them in the fetal position, with herbs, no less.

“Grandma’s gonna kick it,” the townsfolk said. “Someone get Guy Fieri.”

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(“Fieri is my name, and fire is, coincidentally, my game.”)

The Kabayan Mummy Caves were rediscovered in the 1900s, and since then, there’s been a problem of mummy theft.

My Internet travels haven’t revealed whether this is Cultural Theft For Museums or General Pickpocket Behavior.

fire-mummies
(“What a conversation piece for my living room!”)

So now it’s on a watch list. Because we, as humans, cannot have cool things.

Nearby, however, is the visit-able Opdas Mass Burial Cave, which does welcome tourists.

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(Spooky and fun! This girl knows how to party!)

Onto the Bucket List the Philippines goes! I need to see these things in person!

Thanks, Internet, for all the gruesome and lovely things you have to offer.

10 Lesser-Known Horror Movies To Enjoy Before Halloween

I used to be terrified of the dark. I had a night-light until I was 18. I held my pee until I was in agony because I didn’t want to leave the safety of my bed. I made my brother — my younger brother — sleep on the basement couches with me on the weekends.

Now I can’t get enough horror.

I don’t even mind the shitty stuff — but today I’m going to talk about some really great movies. I’ve divided ten lesser-known horror flicks into three groups: funny, ill-thunk, and classic. There’s something for everyone!

Everyone except my childhood self, that is.

Horror-Also-Funny

1. Final Girls. Contemporary teens get trapped in an 80s slasher flick they know by heart. Can they prevent the deaths of the characters — and themselves?

2. Housebound. In lieu of jail, police ground a fully-grown woman to her parents’ home. (Does this really happen in New Zealand?) The protagonist uses this time to investigate the mysteries of her probably-haunted house.

3. Creep. A man films a shady subject — and his creepy wolf mask.

Horror-BadIdeas

4. The Shrine. A cult kills anyone who sees the statue they’re guarding. Filmmakers wisely decide to check the statue out for themselves.

5. Absentia. This public service announcement warns about the dangers of running — and of attempting to negotiate with an unknown tunnel-monster.

6. Splice. Rogue scientists decide it’d be swell to mix human DNA into the creatures they’re creating.

Horror-Classic-Creepy

7. Six Souls. A man’s multiple personalities turn out to be murder victims. Research into the murders reveals a daisy chain of disaster and creepiness that may be impossible to stop.

8. Red Lights. A professional debunker goes head-to-head with a psychic who might be the real thing.

9. Frailty. A father raises his sons in a religious tradition that involves murdering people in their shed. Then it gets even more messed up.

10. Session 9. An asbestos cleaning crew starts playing recordings they find in a dilapidated asylum. (Maybe, in retrospect, this should go under the “really bad ideas” category, but I’ve already drawn up the graphics.)

If you have any recommendations for horror movies, please let me know. I would love to talk terror with you.

Three Unattractive/Scary Drawings

Each of these drawings has elicited a raised eyebrow and/or recoil from at least one person.

Sketch-Gainz

SELFIE ALERT. I’m not very muscular, okay? My wimpy T-Rex arms and I have to take life one day at a time.

Sketch-Clowns

Clowns are not a popular subject ’round these parts. Or any parts.

Sketch-Bender

My husband the Futurama fan is alarmed by this Bender with a diseased human trapped inside.

“That’s so wrong,” he said. “Don’t ever show it to me again.” 

Ever wondered why I’m so in demand? Here you have it.

If you’re interested in more attractive pages, I posted some a few days ago.

Ads That Are Memorable for the Wrong Reason

The annual Lemont Strawberry Festival was halfheartedly promoted with a few hand-drawn signs scattered around town.

The signs were so ugly and forgettable that my husband said he could do better.

I said I could one-up “better” — I could make something very, very memorable.

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Icky, right?

Creepy and ugly ad campaigns are my favorite. Consider, for example, the tattoo-worthy Burger King:

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This is not a guy you leave alone with your sister.

Read More Ads That Are Memorable for the Wrong Reason

BLAH. Someone give me a GOOD HORROR MOVIE.

Despite the fact that I’m blogging about the following media, they’re “nothing to write home about.”

MEH2

It Follows (horror movie, theaters).

Proposal: Cancel all Sex Education classes until the end of time. Show young people this instead.

Read More BLAH. Someone give me a GOOD HORROR MOVIE.