I almost never miss $5 Movie Night.
Because this special runs at my theater every Tuesday, I watch a lot of filler movies. Action flicks like Tarzan and Underworld: Blood Wars. Horror flicks like Don’t Breathe and Lights Out. And basically every cartoon about animals.
In between total rubbish, I enjoy plenty of good films. Here’s what’s on my docket for Tuesdays in 2017.
^ Lego Batman movie (February 10th). When you think about it, what Bruce Wayne really needs is some therapy. If he can’t have that, we’ll just have to settle for giggling at him in Lego form.
^ A Cure for Wellness (February 17th). Is there an evil secret lurking in this fancy spa? Probably, otherwise they wouldn’t make a movie about it. Oooh, I hope the secret is something really heinous.
^ The Circle (April 28th). Imagine if Google and Facebook merged into one super-company with a fondness for complete surveillance of everyone, all the time. Emma Watson is playing the protagonist, if that helps stoke your enthusiasm. Read the book or hit up the trailer.
Batman vs Superman blew chunks.
It’s time we all admitted that Superman needs to go — and I should replace him.
Behold my lovingly illustrated application.
The hottest fires forge the strongest steel.
This spatial memory also assists with directions. Sometimes.
I am very dedicated to self-improvement. (That’s Falcon up there.)
I can be undone by pollen, dust, cats, hay, cold, and exercise. This makes my character well-rounded. Nobody loves a Mary Sue.
I may not always be riveting, but some of my competition is weak sauce.
In the end, the Avengers and the League of Justice admitted me to their ranks.
What does your superhero self bring to the table?
Your Robin feelings say a lot about your worldview.
Riddle me this: Is Robin a giant, frigging liability? Or is he a cutie patootie that contributes to your enjoyment of Batman?
As an introvert and kind of a jerk, my battle is often: “Do I want to be lonely? Should I let people in — at the expense that they may annoy me or depend on me more than I’d like?”
Having other people around means a lot of things:
– You have to help friends move.
– You have friends to help you move.
– You have to pet-sit.
– You have someone to bring you a cookie when you’re in a bad mood.
– You get baby-barf on your shirts.
– You wind up listening to other people’s uninteresting problems about their dead parents.
– Other people listen to your uninteresting problems about your dead parents.
– The Joker might kidnap your friends, and you have to save them.
– Two-Face might try to drown you in sand, and they have to save you.
– Friends are free, unlike butlers, whom you must pay.
I honestly oscillate between loving and hating Robin.
Usually I want to push Robin off a cliff for being useless.
I’ve taken this as a sign that I should stick to a job that provides a lot of alone time.
When I saw this incredibly gorgeous, terrifying Joker mask on Etsy, I was hooked. (Wrong word, considering how this thing looks?)
I briefly had a regular feature called Looks Inspired By. It even had its own Tumblr. I discontinued the feature because Everyday Cosplay & Disneybound were doing it better.
But fuck it. I’m bringing it back, because I found wallpaper and a chair that looked like padded walls in a psych ward. It’s a sign.
The Joker’s a particularly weird character because nobody seems to know where he came from, or what he’s up to off-screen. He pops up, causes mayhem, and vanishes.
Does he have, like, an apartment? Is he an annoying neighbor, or is he the guy banging on the ceiling to “keep it down!”?
What does he eat? Does he cook it himself?
Where’s he going potty? Where’s he showering?
Do the pretty girls at Ulta throw him shade when he goes in there to buy his foundation?
Does he read? Does he have cable? Does he crochet, or collect stamps?
I’m just saying, there are a lot of hours in the day. He can’t possibly be harassing Batman for all of them. I want answers.
I will grasp onto the very thinnest straw possible as an excuse to throw a shindig.
Doogie Houser, MD is hosting an awards show? Yes. See you there. Or, rather, here.
We don’t care about football; but I did throw a “Commercial Viewing, Dorito Eating, Oh And Also Sportsball” event. Golden Globes? Partied over it. Taco Night? Regularly. D&D sessions? Hosted. Halloween? Obviously. I had a Memorial Day hootenanny specifically to get people over for fire pit s’mores.
I can’t tell if I’m desperate for attention; if I like an excuse to eat crap; or if I actually like having people over.
Let’s talk Oscar, though.
By “Oscar,” I mean “Oscar dresses.”
And by “Oscar dresses,” I mean “fabulously outlandish (and maybe ugly) Oscar dresses.”
Sometimes, a Delia*s catalog will miraculously take human form. It’s like the Exorcist, but the opposite.
Geena took a moment out of her wedding to hang out with us. She left the cake, her husband, her grandparents — everything — just to be with us. Then she went back and partied hard at her reception.
Not one to be outdone, Whoopi spent many years in a science lab and/or Hogwarts to figure out how to turn herself into a peacock. She got close.