This blog is about butts, aliens, vampires, David Bowie, pokémon, and zombie dictators.

What search terms are leading people to this blog — and are those people disappointed?

Let’s take a gander!

“Rural Big Booty”
I can deliver on this promise. I live in a cornfield and I have an ass for days.

“Crazy Hair On Ancient Aliens”
I can help you with that. If you look at my Ancient Aliens tag, you’ll discover his name is Giorgio Tsoukalos. His hair levitates because it’s being beamed up to the Mothership.

“How To Look Rich”
Nope. I’m essentially Oscar the Grouch. (You, know, like, scruffy and living in a trash can.)

“Overpopulation Drawings”
Oddly… I have illustrated this! I was ranting about Stephen King’s blasé attitude toward vampire overpopulation.

“David Bowie Themed Party”
Wow. I’ve never posted about this — but thank you for the suggestion.

“ghost spam is free from the politics, we dancing like a paralytics
I have nothing for you. It’s time to seek a professional.

“Pikachu vs Jigglypuff”
Easy. Jigglypuff. Next.

OSS_BERNE242

“Zombie Hitler”

If you have been watching Hunting Hitler, you’d know that he’s not a zombie. Because he’s not dead.

Well, maybe he’s dead.

But he died, maybe, in Argentina, instead of Germany. Listen, it’s a whole thing. His death/bodily remains situation isn’t as clear as you’d think.

Anyway, if you spot Zombie Hitler, you need to go for the headshot.

Unless he did actually shoot himself in the head in the bunker, in which case, he’s already handled it for you. Easy-peasy.

Thank you for consulting with me on this important matter.

In Search of Aliens

It’s Friday night!

Georgio-Show

I typically kick off my weekends with H2’s combo of Ancient Aliens and Giorgio’s new show, In Search of Aliens.

In Search of Aliens is a crazy show.

I watched an episode that postulated Nessie is a dinosaur that travels through a quartz-fueled time warp in Loch Ness. The reason people can’t find it is because, at the time they’re searching, Nessie is in another time.

Sounds legit.

A part of me wishes this weird shit was true. Magic. Time travel. Dinosaurs still existing. Aliens.

Alas, it’s probably not. In the meantime, we can dream — and watch TV, of course.

Fashion Friday: Abducted by Style!

George-Outfit

My life changed drastically the day I saw the way Ancient Aliens‘ George Tsoukalos dresses in his spare time.

On the show, he wears suits. In real life, he’s basically a filthy Jersey Shore hippie.

He works at Seti, produces Ancient Aliens, and used to a bodybuilding promoter — so this weekend wardrobe pastiche makes sense.

The key to look is to put some stuff on your body that has patterns. Then put on jewelry & more jewelry. Then put on a patterned scarf. Then foof your hair out as big as possible. (You need to look like the alien traction beam is pulling your hair skywards). You’re ready!

This look is so cool that you’ll get abducted and butt-probed by history-interfering otherworldly beings. 

In case you were wondering, this outfit contains:

The galaxy’s the limit to how good it’s possible to look, guys.

Humans are Dumb, Ugly, & Uncreative

Ziggurat

When I was a kid, my mom accused me of plagiarizing a short story I’d written.

It was a “12 Days of Christmas” thing about the chaos that took over a house as each of the gifts literally arrived on the doorstep. The Lords A-Leaping were trying to hook up with the Maids A-Milking and Ladies Dancing. The profusion of birds were pooping everywhere. The pear tree died from lack of watering.

A creative djinn had engulfed my brain and the words oozed everywhere. My little Shirley Temple hand couldn’t keep up with the sheer mass of ideas that were coming out.

I was proud of the fucking thing.

My mom read it with wide eyes, then asked where I’d gotten it from.

I said I wrote it.

She said she doubted it.

I went upstairs and cried and vowed to never write anything again. (She later apologised, and I continued writing things — obviously.)

Ancient Aliens

That feeling of betrayal and frustration comes to me when I watch Ancient Aliens

The crux of this show — for those of you who have social lives or poor cable packages — is that aliens exist and have messed with humanity.

Every episode looks at a creative historical figure or a feat of architecture/science and argues that aliens helped out.

Da Vinci? Inspired by aliens. Pyramids and monoliths? Made by aliens.

Other people who hung out with aliens: Jesus, Moses, Socrates, Tesla, Einstein, the Nazis, the Mayans & NASA. Oh, and Bigfoot. Bigfoots (Bigfeet?) were put here by aliens to do their bidding and hang out in underground tunnels under the United States. Or something.

The underlying assumption of the show is that humans are super-dumb and uncreative and haven’t accomplished anything on their own. 

Because we’re the worst.

Humans are derpy ape losers who have never done anything worthwhile.

It’s a bit defeatist: if the only great things came from aliens, why are we even bothering? Can’t they come back and just give us more stuff? Why aren’t they here? Why aren’t they fixing the shithole that their supposed inventions have given us?

Ancient Aliens is laughably bad — so much so that there’s a cult of people that sarcastically watch it. What ludicrous stuff will they postulate next? Will anything in the past be spared? Possibly most important: how big will George Tsoukalos’ hair get? (Pictured above: looking pretty big!)

It’s not like I take the show very seriously. I don’t believe in aliens — I just like their kitschy cult status.

And I’d like them to stay there, away from human accomplishments.

I want to claim everything awesome I do as my own.

Not that I’ve done anything awesome. But I might. 

[edit] This was my 300th post! The aliens helped.