Halloween Costumes I Should Have Chosen Instead of Effie Trinket

This year, I discovered that the Hunger Games is definitely not the cultural phenomenon I’d believed. My uber-fun slam-dunk of a costume… required repeated explanation to blank faces.

My outfit was too obscure. It required prior knowledge of a science fiction young adult book/movie series about a dystopian society.

I should have gone simpler. Judging what I’ve been seeing downtown, here are some other, clearer lady costumes I should have chosen instead:

  • Sexy nerd.
  • Sexy pirate.
  • Sexy vampire.
  • Sexy Oompa-Loompa. (Yes, I really saw this downtown.)
  • Sexy Penn State football fan. (Maybe those weren’t costumes.)
  • Sexy Mrs. Claus.
  • Sexy Oktoberfest wench.
  • Sexy Wanda (female version of Where’s Waldo).
  • Sexy CIA agent.
  • Sexy cat.
  • Sexy bunny.
  • Sexy bumblebee.
  • Sexy Disney princess.
  • Sexy flapper.
    Or even…
  • Sexy “Indian.”

If I were a sexy “Indian,” the only ambiguity of my costume would be how much of a racist I was for wearing it. (Obviously, very. But… 90% racist or just 75% racist?)

Next year, I plan to be Alice in Wonderland’s Queen of Hearts. People will get it, especially if I show off my ta-tas a bit.

How to Compile The Perfect Halloween Playlist if You Were A Goth In Middle/High School

Pumpkin Hats

When I say “my teenage years were a dark time,” I mean it in more ways than one.

And when Halloween rolls around, I already have all the necessary tracks already in my iTunes, because that’s the sort of stuff I still listen to sometimes.

Compiled here are my (and Ginger’s) top Halloween picks for everybody else whose wardrobe was a vortex in their teenage years.

  • Michael Jackson’s “Thriller.” Simple. You probably already have it. If you want to impress your friends with your commitment to Sparkle Motion, you can watch one of the many videos on YouTube that teaches you the dance.
  • Monster Mash. This is probably even public domain at this point.
  • Adams Family/Munsters/Scooby Doo/X-Files theme music. Everyone cool at your party will lose their shit. People at the party without souls or a sense of gleeful irony won’t have to suffer long.
  • Rob Zombie’s “Living Dead Girl.” This song features the phrase “SS whore making scary sounds.”
  • Marilyn Manson’s “I Put A Spell On You.” It’s a classic, but with Manson having a sexy, deep-throated fit all over it.
  • Nine Inch Nails’ “All My Favorite Dreams Are Nightmares.” This is a remix of “Something I Can Never Have,” set in some kind of demented, chopped-up funhouse of terror. It’s lovely.
  • KoRn’s “Kidnap the Sandy Claws.” This cover of a song from Nightmare Before Christmas, normally done with three characters, is all song by KoRn’s Jon Davis. He sounds like a schizophrenic swiftly speaking to himself. A bunch of songs  from Nightmare Before Christmas are charmingly done on the album Nightmare Revisited, which is worth acquiring in its entirety.
  • Florence + The Machine’s “Seven Devils.” This is not a song I listened to during my prolonged teenage dark tea-time of the soul, but I would have if I could have. You may recognize this tune from the promotional trailers for Season 2 of Game of Thrones.
  • Trent Reznor and David Bowie’s “I’m Afraid of Americans.” I can’t blame them.
  • Bush’s “Mouth (Stingray Mix).” Please remember to opt for the remix, not the original, which is dull. This song was heavily used in the promotional materials for American Werewolf in Paris. It has the lyrics “All your metal armor drags me down; nothing hurts like your mouth.” Is it about being in love with the Terminator? I don’t know or care; it sets up a good creepy slow vibe in your house.
  • Smashing Pumpkins’ “Bullet With Butterfly Wings.” The song opens with “the world is a vampire” and just continues to get better. Also, the band’s name is Smashing Pumpkins.
  • Air’s “Run.” This song was eerily used in an episode of Veronica Mars. It has a echoing, terrifying retro feel; and sounds like something that’d play in the background of a horror movie while the protagonist female is (you guessed it) on the run from some kind of ghoul in a forest.
  • Beck’s “Devil’s Haircut.” No one knows what this song is about, but throw it on and everyone will be bobbing their heads.
  • Dave Matthews Band’s “When The World Ends (Oakenfold Remix).”This mix, which was on some Matrix soundtrack or other, is totally creepier and more riveting than you’d give Dave Matthews credit for normally. Something about the robot apocalypse brought it out of him.
  • Deftones’ “Change (In The House of Flies).” With all that bass and groaning, something by Deftones was guaranteed to wind up here, right? This is just the one I picked. It was either that or “Knife Party.”
  • Frou Frou’s “Psycbobabble.” This song seems to be about a psycho who tries to take control of someone else. (“Do just what I tell you, and no one will get hurt.”)
  • Gary Jules’ “Mad World.” Anyone who’s seen Donnie Darko will remember that horrible bunny costume and cringe when hearing this song. Everyone else will just listen to the lyrics and be depressed. (“The dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had.”) Win/win.
  • Gosling’s “Mr. Skeleton Wings.” The lyrics are “if you want me I’m at the top of the heap; if you climb over all the bodies, we’ll meet.”
  • Joydrop’s “Spiders.” Halloween is creepy. Spiders are creepy. Joydrop is angry. This selection is obvious, like white on rice.
  • Live: “Secret Samahdi.” Malls and morgues were my top two places to chillax as a teen. Mostly the mall (specifically Hot Topic, but of course). My friend and I also had some quality time in the cemetery across from the Catholic church that we were supposed to be attending. Her parents let her sleep over at my house on weekends on the condition that we went to church. I’m an atheist of Jewish descent, and she was the Antichrist (j/k). My mother, also an atheist, didn’t feel comfortable lying to my friend’s mother about the church thing, so she insisted on actually dropping us off at the church. We walked in, then right back out. We crossed the street and sat in the cemetery for an hour, talking about our feelings or some shit.
  • Marilyn Manson’s “Long Hard Road Out of Hell.” Did you see Spawn? No? Well… don’t. But this soundtrack was tight.
  • My Chemical Romance’s “Welcome to the Black Parade.” If I knew that joining a marching band of doom was a possibility, I may have stuck with the clarinet.
  • A Perfect Circle’s “Pet.” This song about staying ignorant of politics at a time of war is more accurate and horrifying than most of the songs on this list.
  • Pink Floyd’s “Brain Damage.” Cackling and discussion of the dark side of the moon ensues.
  • Pixies’ “Where Is My Mind?” or Emily Browning’s “Where Is My Mind?” You may decide if you want to go with the version from the Fight Club soundtrack or the version from the Suckerpunch soundtrack. Fight Club is hands-down the superior movie, but I kind of like the female voice.
  • Repo! The Genetic Opera’s “Zydrate Anatomy.” The film Repo! The Genetic Opera is a giant, glorious clusterfuck. It’s set in a dystopia where people are addicted to painkillers to control the pain from their extensive plastic surgeries. In this song, the mechanics of the drugs are explained.And Paris Hilton sings.
  • Squirrel Nut Zippers’ “Hell.” It’s time to “get fitted for a suit of flames.”
  • Tegan and Sara’s “Walking With A Ghost.” I’m not sure this song is about ghosts at all. I have no idea. But they’re identical twin lesbian vegans and I love them and they had to be somewhere on this list. Oddly, Daniel Tosh also loves them, which diminishes their street cred a smidge.
  • 666’s “Devil.” I’ve never been on uppers, but I know people who have been, and this is what they chose to listen to. This manic tune probably sounded slow to them. It’s Germans yelling “I’m the D-E-V-I-L! THE DEVIL!” really, really fast.
  • Zombie Nation’s “Kernkraft 400.” This song has somehow become a college football staple. Penn State played it so much that people wereworried about Beaver Stadium’s structural integrity. The great thing about this tune is that it appeals to both people who like college football and people who like German techno. I cannot think of another song in existence that would bring these groups together.

And there it is, guys: the stuff that made my parents’ ears bleed when I was 15. Enjoy.