New feature: Photo of the Week!
If you’d like me to explain this feature, please see me after class.
The story behind this photo:
My dog, Willie, spent the weekend being chased by a friend’s 2-year-old.
The toddler doesn’t say much, but he can definitely say “I love you, Willie.”
My ovaries hurt.
I may need assistance, actually.
“Hey everyone — I’m Lexi the Fox. I’m time-consuming, frilly, and fun. My flat feet and super-long tail act as a tripod so I stand up on my own. If you use variegated yarn, my body has stripes in addition to my shirt-stripes.
Want to make me? Use the following free instructions!”
This holiday (“HOWL-iday”) season is fairly bittersweet on the dog front.
Before you worry, William is okay.
But his best friend, Pollyanna Banana, passed away unexpectedly last weekend.
She was good, smart, clever, crazy, shy, standoffish, smelly, strong, caring, protective, misandrist, fluffy, maternal — and dangerous as fuck to ducklings.
Dogs burn bright, shimmer, and pass before we have a chance to really appreciate them.
Please take a moment this holiday season to kiss your pets on their slippery, wet, stinky noses.
I took all these photos, but some aren’t of my Halloween party.
I had all of these experiences, but some were only in my head.
1. A rabbit-masked man slashed the head off a pinata with a samurai sword. It was a practice sword, made of wood. Pieces of candy spewed from its neck like its jugular had been hacked.
2. One of the children disappeared. We found her in the crawlspace with the Christmas decorations. She and a plush Rudolph were reading a cookbook by flashlight.
3. A boy dressed as a bumblebee found a tick on his ankle. A boy dressed as a cracked porcelain doll found a succubus attached to him. Unlike the bumblebee, he didn’t put up a fuss.
4. A child with night vision played frisbee in the ink-black backyard. His twin, who didn’t have night vision, was a poor partner for this.
5. A man spent a few hours at the party in a ski mask. After he left, we realized he wasn’t one of us.
6. Someone at the party wore a tee that said “Life.” He spent the evening handing out lemons. I used one of the lemons in a recipe this morning.
7. A mask’s spirit possessed its wearer’s body all evening. The ghost and party-goer had similar personalities, so nobody noticed.
8. Our Ouija board caught on fire. The demon we were summoning was angry that we weren’t taking the seance seriously. We’re on the lookout for another board now.
9. Five people brought cheese plates. The girl who dressed as Minnie Mouse was overwhelmed by joy.
10. The dog was cooperative and quiet all evening. Just kidding. This one’s obviously a lie.
October is a time to buy a metric shit-ton of Reeces Peanut Butter Cups — then consume half of them before the kids even arrive.
The bowl we offer the kids is a chocolate explosion. No Whoppers, Nerds, or SweetTarts in sight. We’re the “good house” with the pricey candy.
I was always proud of our selection. I’d never considered kids with diabetes or other food allergies. Food allergies have jumped 50% since the 90s, and nobody knows why. That’s more and more kids that will never know the joy of just plunging a hand into the candy bowl without fear.
Enter the Teal Pumpkin Project!
To join, you just put a teal pumpkin out front, and have some non-candy on offer.
It’s not super-complicated.
That way, kids who can’t eat your Peanut Butter Cups can take a glow stick, pencil, or fake fangs. No trips to the emergency room!
Aaaaaaand… more Peanut Butter Cups left over for you.