Sorry for these Hobbit 2 Spoilers!

My profoundly pregnant friend missed out on Hobbit 2: Desolation of Smaug today, so I’ve illustrated what she missed:


The fact that I enjoyed the hell out of this film should come as no surprise to anyone who knows how terrible my movie taste is. There are plenty of mean things to say about it, but I’ve never read the books, so I didn’t have any expectations to be savagely dashed upon the rocks.

An hour-long fight scene in a creek with dwarves in barrels? Smexy elves with obvious dye jobs? Charmingly befuddled hobbits? Inexplicable love scenes? A major plot development revealed on a tapestry in some kind of Middle Earth Qwik-E-Mart? This film has it all!

Muffins, meetings, and being bored out of my mind.

Coworker: “When were these muffins left on my desk?”
Me: “There are muffins on your desk?!
Coworker: “You don’t remember when they arrived?”
Me: “I would remember muffins arriving. Because I would have eaten all of them before you arrived.”

I then ate one. Blueberry!


These are two entirely separate doodles joined with throwaway text.

I’ll bet the animal meeting was mostly them having off-topic conversations with each other, followed by five minutes of rapid-fire slapdash decision-making.

Boring, boring, boring; “can we just fucking vote to get this over with?”; boring, boring.


Other cultures have much warmer and more colorful motifs than ours.

This is what white people are like:


Super-boring. Nary a pattern or color in sight.

Take the Pilgrims, for example:

Boring, boring, boring; horrible decision to commit genocide; boring, boring.

When I was a teenager, my grandfather married a woman who called herself Marmee and named her four daughters after the Little Women. At Thanksgiving, she and her numerous offspring (and grand-offspring) sang this prayer in unison — while my family cowered, silently, in the Atheist Corner.

Boring, boring, boring; horrible decision to commit group singsong prayer; boring, boring.

Maybe the problem is me. Maybe that’s why I love drawing, Tetris, Minesweeper, and Candy Crush so much. Speaking of which, I need to go try to beat level 147 for the millionth time this week.