The Holocaust Museum Sure Sounds Like Fun

Last week while I was in Washington DC, Yelp made a few suggestions for “something fun!”:

ChF2U08WIAIFDt3

The Holocaust Memorial Museum was such a blast that I’m going to have my next birthday party there!

Restaurants

To get both sides of the story, I also had a meal at Cafe Berlin (illustrated in the center).

The schweine medallions were banging; however, they simply couldn’t throw down like the Holocaust Museum.

But seriously, Yelp: please tweak your algorithm.

Put the Holocaust Museum under “educational” or something.

I almost drove off the road because I realized the government was watching me.

I noticed a tiny microphone on my car dash this morning. I’d never seen it before.

WHATISTHIS

What in the sweet fuck was this? 

I’m not going to lie, Internet: I was pretty sure it was a bug that Big Brother inserted to spy on me.

I tried to yank it out for a minute, then, when I couldn’t, vowed to snip it later in the day.

Or maybe to Google it.

Turns out that the mike is, most likely, a Bluetooth mike that ties in with the new sound system I installed a month or two ago.

The government is not listening to me singing along to the Spice Girls.

What a relief.

Mostly for them.

This blog is about butts, aliens, vampires, David Bowie, pokémon, and zombie dictators.

What search terms are leading people to this blog — and are those people disappointed?

Let’s take a gander!

“Rural Big Booty”
I can deliver on this promise. I live in a cornfield and I have an ass for days.

“Crazy Hair On Ancient Aliens”
I can help you with that. If you look at my Ancient Aliens tag, you’ll discover his name is Giorgio Tsoukalos. His hair levitates because it’s being beamed up to the Mothership.

“How To Look Rich”
Nope. I’m essentially Oscar the Grouch. (You, know, like, scruffy and living in a trash can.)

“Overpopulation Drawings”
Oddly… I have illustrated this! I was ranting about Stephen King’s blasé attitude toward vampire overpopulation.

“David Bowie Themed Party”
Wow. I’ve never posted about this — but thank you for the suggestion.

“ghost spam is free from the politics, we dancing like a paralytics
I have nothing for you. It’s time to seek a professional.

“Pikachu vs Jigglypuff”
Easy. Jigglypuff. Next.

OSS_BERNE242

“Zombie Hitler”

If you have been watching Hunting Hitler, you’d know that he’s not a zombie. Because he’s not dead.

Well, maybe he’s dead.

But he died, maybe, in Argentina, instead of Germany. Listen, it’s a whole thing. His death/bodily remains situation isn’t as clear as you’d think.

Anyway, if you spot Zombie Hitler, you need to go for the headshot.

Unless he did actually shoot himself in the head in the bunker, in which case, he’s already handled it for you. Easy-peasy.

Thank you for consulting with me on this important matter.

A Supposedly Fun Thing I’ll Never Do Again: Octavia The Octopus

If you love tedium, I have the crochet pattern for you!

Everyone, say hello to Octavia the Octopus.

Adam1

Her name was originally Ophelia the Octopus, but I was told that was “too depressing.” (See, it’s funny because Ophelia ends up in the water. Literature appreciation can never start too early!)

She’s a Hanukkah present for my friend’s son. 8 days, 8 legs.

I briefly considered sending one leg a day and having my friend assemble her on the other side. Hilarious, right? Again, I got told I could not have the things I wanted.

Octavia3

Ophelia was originally meant to be done months ago.

Here’s why it took so long.

I made the head.

Then I made a leg.

Then I made another leg.

And another. And another. And another. And another. And another. And another.

Then I made a suction cup. And another. And another. And another. And another. And another. And another. And another. And another. And another. And another. And another. And another. And another. And another. And another. And another. And another. And another. And another. And another. And another. And another. And another. And another. And another. And another. And another. And another.

And two eyes. (You’ll notice they’re different from the pattern. I thought the pattern’s eyes were scary for a child.)

Then I sewed the whole kit & caboodle together. Including each suction cup.

Octavia2

I’m not going to lie to you: this was the worst.

If you calculated time spent vs my hourly wage, this is a multi-hundred-dollar octopus.

If you want one for your kid, you can feel free to make one yourself.

The Holocaust. 9/11. The Octopus. NEVER AGAIN. 

What music should you be ashamed of liking?

Should you be ashamed of the sounds your ears like hearing? At what age do you stop apologizing and start listening to whatever you want, balls to the wall?

At work, we put on a Spotify “guilty pleasures playlist.” It started out really strong:

Photograph of Vertical HorizonVertical Horizon! I’m not ashamed of that!

The playlist went on to feature Marilyn Manson, Ace of Base, and Phil Collins. I’m not ashamed of those, either!

Screen Grab Photo of Wild Wild West Starring Will SmithThen “Wild Wild West” came on. The song written for and inspired by Wild Wild West.