Category: Antics

5 Pieces of Hygiene & Medical Advice I’ll Never Follow

Some of us are glorious bastions of self-care; others are sewer rats trembling against the cold that has pervaded their dumpster.

Come. Join me in the sewer underneath the subway grate. It’s slightly warmer there.

We can hold hands and learn beauty tips we will inevitably ignore.

Advice: Wash Your Face Before and/or After The Shower, Not During
Reasoning: You’ll strip the moisture off your face.
My take:  My face is part of my body, and it will be treated as such. I will only treat my skin like a princess if it starts cracking apart and sliding off my skull.

Advice: Avoid Brushing Your Teeth Right After You Eat
Reasoning: You can rub acid deeper into your teeth, and/or scrape off the enamel.
My take:  There’s no time in my morning for food, leisurely pause, brushing, then leaving. It’s a violation of the Geneva Convention to expose others to my morning breath, so I must simply brush and bounce.

Advice: Drink Apple Cider Vinegar
Reasoning: This allegedly works to fight obesity, tummy aches, colds, dandruff, your grandmother demanding you call her more, etc.
My take: I wasn’t placed on earth to eat gross things. I refused to eat hamburgers until I was in my twenties because I thought they were yucky. At 33, I still won’t eat slaw, seafood, sushi, cottage cheese, Jell-O, or anything gloppy, stinky or lumpy. There’s no way I’m going to just drink vinegar. You will have to mix that shit in with my embalming fluid to get it into me. 

Advice: Take Cold Showers
Reasoning: It assists with weight loss, good skin, and depression treatment.
My take: … But at what cost? I tried this for a week or two, actually. I’d take a shower at a normal temperature, then spend the last minute blasting myself with cold water. In a way, it did help with sadness — because I’d spent that minute just laughing maniacally at my own stupidity.

Advice: Don’t Let Your Dog Lick Your Face
Reasoning: Dogs are gross vectors of disease.
My take: I love dogs and they love me. If I’m going to die anyway, this might as well be it. 

5 Antiques I Managed Not To Buy This Year

Antiques stores smell moldy and they activate my asthma, but I can’t get enough of them.

I want to buy everything inside them, the creepier/uglier the better. I want to surround myself with these hardscrabble discards. We would form an army that eventually overthrows the system.

When my husband vetoes my selections, I photograph them so I can always remember them.

Here are 2017’s top 5 did-not-buy antiques:

This little Gloomy Gus got left behind in the Rapture. Look into his cold eyes. He knows something we don’t — something unspeakable.

This fella has the distinction of being the Mayor of Jaunty Walks.

This is the first of two horse items upon this list. Take a moment and just admire the normalcy of this horse, constipated as it is.





I deeply regret not buying this.

And finally, the boobie portion of our show.

This “plus-size” mannequin reminds me of the Venus of Willendorf, in the best way possible. I don’t know where I’d put her, but I definitely would never clothe her. She deserves to present her glory all the time.

At some point, I’ll have to inventory all the stuff I did buy, which is an equally long list full of almost-as-preposterous crap.

My impulse control only goes so far.

Which of these 5 emotions is worth the most on Etsy?

Here’s a fun game: type a random word into Etsy, and sort by highest price. It’s a game that incorporates art, artists’ egos, supply-demand, and the madness of Etsy into a glee-spree.

Today, I typed in 5 emotion-words: fear, hate, disgust, love, and bromance.

Which emotion is worth the most on Etsy? Read on to find out.

^ Bromance is apparently the least important emotion in terms of the human wallet. Batmance, an original ink & acrylic painting by Lindsay Strubbe, is an even $1,000.

You can also get this as a tote bag for $38, which a part of me is very tempted to do.

^ Disgust: Boy/Girl Dichotomizer by ChaosmosDichotomizer. This $2,000 piece encourages you to “Enjoy reproducing the white heteromasculinity of a world populated by violent and oppressive gender binaries!”

… Did Etsy just out-Etsy itself?

^ Hate: When The World Is Hate by D*Face, who has a really cool portfolio. “Pristine” condition acrylic on canvas, $10,000.

^ Fear: Illumination Beyond Ursa Major by Dave Martsolf, whose website appears to be from 1997. Original painting, $40,320. You can (and should!) click through to see a close-up of the child’s inscrutable face.

^ Love: The Spirit of Magic Mushrooms by RaixeAirisCREATORS, is $266,341.73.

This piece, crafted from “glowing pens, glowing markers, pencils,” is 5.25″ by 5.5″.

The artist also has a $140,921.41 painting of a “mushroom of love.” (It’s a dong.)

This experiment, though tiny, is more proof that love conquers all.

Go about your day uplifted, Internet!







5 Dreadful Decorating Choices In This Cabin

My New Years experience was lovely: friends, board games, alcohol, taking turns making delicious home-cooked meals.

The only (slight) party-dampener was how fugly our cabin was. To say nothing of the musty smell or the plethora of itchy bug-bites I now possess.

Let’s investigate the worst design choices.

1. Sticks on the wall

“The cabin is in the outdoors, so I guess ‘outdoors’ will be my motif. I’m not one of those sheeple who spends money at big box stores. I’m going to ‘shop my backyard.'”

It’s possible for this to work!

… Or one can opt to simply hammer branches and twigs to the walls. In every room of one’s home.

2. A sad magnet situation

There were two magnets: one that said to clean up, and one that was an image of a television.

The television is unfathomable to me. If there are only two magnets, and the TV is one of them, it must mean something right? But what?

Read More 5 Dreadful Decorating Choices In This Cabin

My Application to The Avengers Initiative and/or League of Justice, Whichever

Batman vs Superman blew chunks.

It’s time we all admitted that Superman needs to go — and I should replace him.

Behold my lovingly illustrated application.


The hottest fires forge the strongest steel.


This spatial memory also assists with directions. Sometimes.


I am very dedicated to self-improvement. (That’s Falcon up there.)


I can be undone by pollen, dust, cats, hay, cold, and exercise. This makes my character well-rounded. Nobody loves a Mary Sue.


I may not always be riveting, but some of my competition is weak sauce.


In the end, the Avengers and the League of Justice admitted me to their ranks.

What does your superhero self bring to the table?