5 Pieces of Hygiene & Medical Advice I’ll Never Follow

Some of us are glorious bastions of self-care; others are sewer rats trembling against the cold that has pervaded their dumpster.

Come. Join me in the sewer underneath the subway grate. It’s slightly warmer there.

We can hold hands and learn beauty tips we will inevitably ignore.

Advice: Wash Your Face Before and/or After The Shower, Not During
Reasoning: You’ll strip the moisture off your face.
My take:  My face is part of my body, and it will be treated as such. I will only treat my skin like a princess if it starts cracking apart and sliding off my skull.

Advice: Avoid Brushing Your Teeth Right After You Eat
Reasoning: You can rub acid deeper into your teeth, and/or scrape off the enamel.
My take:  There’s no time in my morning for food, leisurely pause, brushing, then leaving. It’s a violation of the Geneva Convention to expose others to my morning breath, so I must simply brush and bounce.

Advice: Drink Apple Cider Vinegar
Reasoning: This allegedly works to fight obesity, tummy aches, colds, dandruff, your grandmother demanding you call her more, etc.
My take: I wasn’t placed on earth to eat gross things. I refused to eat hamburgers until I was in my twenties because I thought they were yucky. At 33, I still won’t eat slaw, seafood, sushi, cottage cheese, Jell-O, or anything gloppy, stinky or lumpy. There’s no way I’m going to just drink vinegar. You will have to mix that shit in with my embalming fluid to get it into me. 

Advice: Take Cold Showers
Reasoning: It assists with weight loss, good skin, and depression treatment.
My take: … But at what cost? I tried this for a week or two, actually. I’d take a shower at a normal temperature, then spend the last minute blasting myself with cold water. In a way, it did help with sadness — because I’d spent that minute just laughing maniacally at my own stupidity.

Advice: Don’t Let Your Dog Lick Your Face
Reasoning: Dogs are gross vectors of disease.
My take: I love dogs and they love me. If I’m going to die anyway, this might as well be it.