5 Antiques I Managed Not To Buy This Year

Antiques stores smell moldy and they activate my asthma, but I can’t get enough of them.

I want to buy everything inside them, the creepier/uglier the better. I want to surround myself with these hardscrabble discards. We would form an army that eventually overthrows the system.

When my husband vetoes my selections, I photograph them so I can always remember them.

Here are 2017’s top 5 did-not-buy antiques:

This little Gloomy Gus got left behind in the Rapture. Look into his cold eyes. He knows something we don’t — something unspeakable.

This fella has the distinction of being the Mayor of Jaunty Walks.

This is the first of two horse items upon this list. Take a moment and just admire the normalcy of this horse, constipated as it is.

WHAT THE EVERLOVING —

WHAT —

HOW —

WHY —

I deeply regret not buying this.

And finally, the boobie portion of our show.

This “plus-size” mannequin reminds me of the Venus of Willendorf, in the best way possible. I don’t know where I’d put her, but I definitely would never clothe her. She deserves to present her glory all the time.

At some point, I’ll have to inventory all the stuff I did buy, which is an equally long list full of almost-as-preposterous crap.

My impulse control only goes so far.