The Month in Media: March in One Sentence

I’ve distilled March’s entertainment choices — good and bad — into easy-peasy sentence-bites.

If you’re trying to decide whether to continue reading this post, keep in mind that I accidentally watched Deuce Bigalow, Male Gigolo this month.

If that’s not tempting, I don’t know what is.

MOM-March

Movies:

Zootopia (4/5). Adorable CG animals tackle heavy-hitting topics like racism, innate abilities, and friendship.

Deuce Bigalow, Male Gigolo (2.5/5). This “film” is surprisingly heartfelt for something so trite.*

(*I have no control over what my father-in-law puts on the TV.)

The Good Dinosaur (4/5). This movie is freaky — including an acid-trip sequence, some drug-addled adrenaline-junkie pterodactyls, and a character biting a living insect’s head off.

The Martian (4/5). The movie’s better than the book!

TV:

Not Safe with Nikki Glaser (5/5). This show has a sparkling array of unique, funny, dirty features.

Samantha Bee (4/5). One of my top Canadians (a difficult feat!) is conquering the medium of television.

Daredevil, Season 2 (3/5). I’m not finished yet, but I find this season disappointing and muddled.

Books:

Misfortune (3/5). A baby boy is raised as a girl in a demented Victorian-era story that falls apart halfway through.

The First Fifteen Lives of Harry August (5/5). A man is reincarnated into the same life with full memories of past lives intact — and must prevent the apocalypse.

The Prize (3/5). A dull protagonist bumbles his way through relationships and the cutthroat art world.

Unwind (unfinished). This story takes place in a future where abortion is illegal, but killing (“unwinding”) teenagers is A-OK.*

(*Tempted, parents?)

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Bonus shopping section:

David’s Tea (4/5). I’d give this site 5 stars, but I’m still trying to wash the taste of their Mango Turmeric Tea out of my mouth. (The product is no longer live. I know precisely why.) My favorite picks are the maté Jumpy Monkey, the rooibos Raspberry Cream Pie, the black Pistachio Ice Cream, and the herbal Goji Pop. Fun: you can pick out free samples at checkout! (I’m not being paid to tell you about these people. I just like them.)

Goulet Pens (long wishlist). I haven’t bought anything from this site. I just have a wishlist. A long wishlist. A problematically long wishlist. Their blog and youtube channel are useful resources instead of just product whoring. I don’t just want to visit this store — I want to live this entire lifestyle.

USPS.com (4/5). I’m, like, really into stamps. I wish I had a postcard to send so I could use these (pictured above). And I totes want these totes. The only quibble: Why does it cost so much in shipping to get stamps sent to me? Like… why? Seriously? Does this make sense to anyone?

Alexi and Ani (4/5). I didn’t give too much of a shit about these trendy bracelets until they released an ouroboros one. You know. A snake eating itself. Fucking metal. Or, as they put it, “Ouroboros signifies the great circle of life, representing infinity and the cyclical nature of the universe. Believed to depict the great alchemical union of masculine and feminine energy, it holds the spark of creation itself.” Barf. Guys, stop taking my street cred. Plus 4 stars for the nice quality and made-in-USA-ness; minus one star for pretension and the fact that the charm keeps sliding onto the underside of my wrist.

And also:

St Frances Cabrini Catholic Church (3/5). 3 stars for architecture and the charms of Father Martin (who started out as a monk). -2 stars for being uncertain when to sit, stand, or kneel. Catholics: I have no idea.

I haven’t posted lately because I’ve been, you know, scoping out the above church’s funeral services. Well, one.

It’s been a long week for my family, who lost their Pappy.

I’ve spent the last two weeks coming and going from Pittsburgh, where they’re basically sitting shiva (Catholics don’t say that) at the grandparents’ house.

And oh god. Eating.

I’m not worried about my weight gain. After all, I know how to stay firm, fit, and jacked forever.

^ You should look at that post. It’s a revelation.