I hate-watched Fuller House so you didn’t have to.

I tested the strength of my marriage today.

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Our trial under fire was the pilot of Fuller House.

I could not pass up an opportunity to watch this throwback trainwreck.

My husband collapsed into a puddle of sighs and despair at the suggestion.

We watched anyway.

Here are my top 5 Fuller House thoughts:

1. The women aged nicely. The men — not so much. Except Uncle Jesse, of course. HAVE MERCY. Is this because women have more societal pressure to wear makeup and maintain a certain size? Or is it that women on TV tend to be more attractive in the first place (even during the original run)?

2. This is the most white show I have ever seen. There’s one Latino character. He speaks with an exaggerated Spanish lisp and cheats on his wife. I get that the Tanners happen to be white — but the inclusion of the terrible, racist Latino character is worse than none at all.

3. The inclusion of a laugh track highlights where the jokes fail. And they fail at least 90% of the time. We’ve entered a more sophisticated age of comedy that relies less on sight gags, repetition, tropes, 20-year-old callbacks, and two-dimensional characters. I do not want to return to the pre-30 Rock era.

4. They haven’t updated the kitchen since the 90s. And you know how I feel about beige kitchens.

5. I can’t look away from Jodie Sweetin’s surgical choices. I know where her eyes are. I am not looking there.

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You aren’t looking there, either.

I daresay they perked up the experience — but they weren’t enough to save the show from itself. I doubt many people will bother past the pilot, and that’s for the best.