Are You Qualified To Dogsit?: 10 Important And Maybe Geeky Questions To Gauge Someone’s Trustworthiness

“I love LL Cool J,” I told my husband today, “and I would only trust someone with my kids or dog who felt the same way.”

“I don’t think that’s typically a question that comes up in the interview process,” my husband replied.

“It’s time to change the interview process,” I said.

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Without further ado, I present:

10 Questions for Potential Dogsitters

1. This dumbass beagle is responsible enough to be let off-lead. True or false?

2. When my dog stares you down, that means he has to pee. Can you handle the pressure?

3. Who is the third member of Salt-n-Pepa?

4. If the house is on fire, I expect you to go in there and rescue him. This is not, technically, a question. Just nod to show you understand.

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5. How do you feel about the Ron & Hermione pairing?

6. I guess I should ask: are you allergic to dogs? He sheds a lot and I think the vacuum cleaner is needlessly complicated.

7. How’s your upper-body strength? Do you even lift? He pulls a lot.

8. Do you think there’s any legitimacy to astrology?

9a. Who’s your favorite character on the Walking Dead? If it’s not Glenn, Michonne, or Little Ass-Kicker, how are you living with yourself?

9b. If you don’t watch Waking Dead, who’s your favorite character on Game of Thrones? If it’s not Arya or Tyrion, how are you living with yourself?

9c. Fine. Your favorite character on Always Sunny? There isn’t really a wrong answer to that one.

10. I guess I should ask: do you have any dogsitting experience?

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Okay, I guess you’re qualified. Here’s 30 pages of instructions, and I’ll be calling every hour to check on him.