The Things People Steal From Restaurants

Someone has been stealing pepper shakers from my friend’s restaurant.

Not salt and pepper shakers, mind you.

Not the set.

Just the pepper shakers alone.


I’m working on this poster for her. She’s going to put it up in the restaurant.

Hopefully the design will dissuade people from larceny.

However, I’m concerned that people will think:

“Stealing pepper shakers? That’s a thing now? Challenge accepted.”

Petty theft is absolutely commonplace in my town. I use “petty” both legally and as in:

You’re a petty person for stealing such stupid shit.”

Mostly people steal things from bars, honestly.

There’s a place downtown that serves mixed drinks called “fishbowls.” Jacking a fishbowl is the pinnacle of drunk college theft. They’re huge, and breakable. You’d need a giant backpack and a big distraction to pull it off. I’ve heard people brag they’ve done it before. It’s so totally not worth jail time, but people do it anyway.

I shouldn’t complain. My town is consistently voted one of the safest places to live in America.

Selfish morons like to make off with things here —┬ábut I probably won’t get murdered.

I’ll just be left with lonely salt.