Don’t do any of these things.
Don’t sue me if you do.
Slytherin Scavenger Hunt. Release your creepy uncle’s pet boa constrictor into the house. Wait a few hours. Let the kids loose. Whoever finds the snake is the winner.
Swamp Hiking and Tick Removal Party. This works best in the summer. Whoever gets the most ticks gets to keep all the gifts, birthday boy be damned.
An Afternoon of SAT Practice! Your little partygoers will learn to associate standardized testing with fun! Serve them coffee, pizza, cookies, #2 pencils, and the tests in their entirety. Any child caught talking or skipping ahead will be sent home. The child with the highest score will be assured a bright future. Allegedly.
A Weeklong Trek On That Lovely New Cruise Ship Everyone’s Been Talking About: The Titanic. Invite all of your child’s friends’ families. Those who can’t attend are uncommitted to your friendship, or below your social stature. This trip is guaranteed to be a success.
Hobo Party. Take the kids out to the middle of nowhere and have them hitchhike with total strangers back. Pinterest-worthy tip: tie their goodie bags to sticks! What could be cuter?
Baby’s First Wine Tasting. It’s never too early to class up your tragically uncouth offspring.
Florida Man Scavenger Hunt Weekend. Wine tasting too pretentious? Try the other extreme! Look up and replicate Florida Man’s mishaps. Anyone who survives the weekend gets all the cupcakes and/or meth.
Fire-Breathing and Sword-Swallowing Lessons at the Local Freak Show. When the apocalypse finally comes, the Internet will be no more. People will clamor for entertainment. Train your kids now so they’ll be in high demand in the cashless economy.
Hunger Games Fête. Don’t serve any food or drink whatsoever. Free bow & arrow set to all who attend. May the odds be ever in your favor.
Oh wait — Hunger Games weddings are actually a thing. The dystopian “starving children are murdering each other to appease a tyrannical post-apocalyptic government” thing is not somehow not off-putting to these people.
Hire A Clown for the Event. Like the Hunger Games thing, this actually happens. Please stop doing this. For the love of God. Stop.