Mom was so sick this week that she went to the Everything Smells Like Sterile Tubing place.
She’s back, but catching up on work-stuff, so I’m going to take over today.
Behold: my top 10 uplifting thoughts, with guest words from a few of my pals.
10. You worry too much about your appearance. I would love to lick your sweat and taste the inside of your mouth, no matter what the circumstances. If you are still worried, you can enhance your appearance by holding a tennis ball or plate of bacon.
9. Dream big. When people ask you what you want to be when you grow up, tell them, “a dragon or Beyoncé. Whichever is more complicated to attain.”
(Chubbs adds:) Fart proudly. Crop-dust the entire land and totally own up to it. It’s just butts. We all have ’em.
8. Self-care is very important. Schedule a little bit of “me time” to bathe or have someone take care of your nails. You humans seem to like that shit.
(Goose adds:) Size doesn’t matter. From mastiff to chihuahua, there is someone out there who will let you slobber on them.
7. I have never once received a text, but I am still very beloved by everyone who meets me. I think this means you shouldn’t take social media to heart. Sometimes what matters is what’s in front of you. Especially if what’s in front of you is a squirrel.
6. Sometimes you’re going to pee in your crate, literally or metaphorically. You’d be surprised by how much can be forgiven.
(Benjamin Franklin adds:) It’s untrue that nice guys finish last. Nice people are actually really popular, once high school is over.
5. Car rides are great, even when they end at the vet. Approach life with optimism! Even if you do wind up at the vet, he might give you treats and call you a good boy.
4. You aren’t going to catch every squirrel. You might not catch even one. Or any rabbits, either, for that matter. It’s okay to be sad about those things, but don’t let it break your stride in the long run.
(Penny adds:) Like me, you are a princess. You deserve only the best. Don’t settle for anyone treating you unkindly. Also, insist upon wearing a jacket when you go outside in the winter.
3. Don’t let grey hair get you down. You can still act like a puppy any time you want.
(Max adds:) Put on your Sunday best! Sometimes it feels nice to dress up. People respond to it by taking your picture and shrieking, “I think dogs in Christmas sweaters are the cutest!”
2. Sometimes people will tell you that you’re stupid. So what if you actually are? There are plenty of ways to be great besides being a nerd like Mom.
1. Let other people take care of you sometimes. We all need help, and it’s okay to let other people in. Mom would like to dedicate this post to Daddy, who took care of me while she was sick; and Auntie Drea, who took her to the hospital in the middle of the day, and distracted Mommy by talking about Joss Whedon’s oeuvre when they stabbed her with needles.
We may just be dogs, but we wish the best for you.
Can we lick your face now?
Do we get any treats for having written this?