My long history of sartorial choices has me shocked I’ve ever had sex.
In middle school, I wore floral overalls everywhere. While those tumbled in the wash, I swapped in a sunflower crop top.
Next up were sweet-ass plaid bell-bottoms. What does one pair with such a garment? Everything — obviously.
Graduating up to high school meant evolving my style. Why walk in one’s pants when one can swim?
The week of my 30th birthday, I dumped three huge garbage bags off at the Goodwill. Turns out I’m still unable to pick ’em.
Skinny jeans. My derriere is the stuff of dreams. Girls with flat butts pray to my altar at night. That said, maybe every detail of my lower body doesn’t need to be on display.
Crop tops. Despite pairing these with long tanks, I felt my love handles flap in the breeze. I almost flew away, Dumbo-style.
Button-downs. I felt nerdy tucking the tails in. I felt sloppy leaving the shirt untucked. After 14 years of prep school, you think I’d know how to handle the pressures of an oxford shirt; but I’ve buckled under the pressure.
Heels. When I wore these, I looked injured, not sexy.
Low-riding jeans. Crack is whack, y’all.
Boxy clothes. Never again will I conceal my once-monthly workout sessions by wearing a feed sack on my person.
Maxi dresses. “Perhaps I could be a Greek goddess,” I thought wistfully. “I could enchant everyone around me with my grace and wisdom.” Hilarious.
Shirts with pithy sayings on the front. Such shirts are mildly funny — the first time someone has to look at them. Then you become the person who repeats jokes. The same goes for…
Shirts with anything written on the front. I’m over logos and words in general. The more specialized a garment is, the more likely it is that someone’s going to remember it, and the less I can wear it into the ground.
Stuff that has to be ironed. When a garment came out of the dryer crumpled, I’d put it back in the wash and hope that next time, it would emerge smooth. Ha! It never did!
Shorts. Okay. In fairness, I haven’t purchased shorts in years. You’re welcome.
If any of those garment types sound awesome to you, please feel free to head over to the State College Goodwill and help yourself.