When I was a kid, my mom accused me of plagiarizing a short story I’d written.
It was a “12 Days of Christmas” thing about the chaos that took over a house as each of the gifts literally arrived on the doorstep. The Lords A-Leaping were trying to hook up with the Maids A-Milking and Ladies Dancing. The profusion of birds were pooping everywhere. The pear tree died from lack of watering.
A creative djinn had engulfed my brain and the words oozed everywhere. My little Shirley Temple hand couldn’t keep up with the sheer mass of ideas that were coming out.
I was proud of the fucking thing.
My mom read it with wide eyes, then asked where I’d gotten it from.
I said I wrote it.
She said she doubted it.
I went upstairs and cried and vowed to never write anything again. (She later apologised, and I continued writing things — obviously.)
That feeling of betrayal and frustration comes to me when I watch Ancient Aliens.
The crux of this show — for those of you who have social lives or poor cable packages — is that aliens exist and have messed with humanity.
Every episode looks at a creative historical figure or a feat of architecture/science and argues that aliens helped out.
Da Vinci? Inspired by aliens. Pyramids and monoliths? Made by aliens.
Other people who hung out with aliens: Jesus, Moses, Socrates, Tesla, Einstein, the Nazis, the Mayans & NASA. Oh, and Bigfoot. Bigfoots (Bigfeet?) were put here by aliens to do their bidding and hang out in underground tunnels under the United States. Or something.
The underlying assumption of the show is that humans are super-dumb and uncreative and haven’t accomplished anything on their own.
Because we’re the worst.
Humans are derpy ape losers who have never done anything worthwhile.
It’s a bit defeatist: if the only great things came from aliens, why are we even bothering? Can’t they come back and just give us more stuff? Why aren’t they here? Why aren’t they fixing the shithole that their supposed inventions have given us?
Ancient Aliens is laughably bad — so much so that there’s a cult of people that sarcastically watch it. What ludicrous stuff will they postulate next? Will anything in the past be spared? Possibly most important: how big will George Tsoukalos’ hair get? (Pictured above: looking pretty big!)
It’s not like I take the show very seriously. I don’t believe in aliens — I just like their kitschy cult status.
And I’d like them to stay there, away from human accomplishments.
I want to claim everything awesome I do as my own.
Not that I’ve done anything awesome. But I might.
 This was my 300th post! The aliens helped.