Would you like to feel superior to both me and this octopus?


You think this octopus has it bad? Please. Here are some of my life issues!

What’re these weird lumps that keep forming under my dog’s skin? Is he getting super-cancer? If I were to cease to be his personal assistant, I don’t know what I’d do with all that extra time. I need him to live to at least 10.

I also have a dentist appointment next week — if I go really hard on the floss and Listerine for the four days in the interim, will they notice that I haven’t really bothered in the past 6 months? (I mean, I’ve brushed. This flossing thing is my Waterloo.)

Laundry: why does it pile up so fast? Is my family gross?

Are we bad grown-ups if we don’t have anywhere to hang coats in the entryway? We’re having logistical issues with putting hooks up. People are just throwing coats around when they enter our house.

Is it possible that my molecular structure has been reconfigured to be globs of Doritos strung together with Diet Coke? In the case of this (likely) scenario, will I literally decompose if I start trying to eat healthy?

Is the only thing worse than being a Pokemon Widow being a Ratchet and Clank window? At least people know what Pokemon is. My husband spends long hours being a “lombax” with a robot backpack while I sit in another room and read. This is an acceptable lifestyle for two introverts, but embarrassing to mention to others.

How is it possible that my friend Dan drank almost 750 mL of my rum last time he was here — in one night? I don’t just mean this emotionally (though he did leave me in the lurch with regards to inebriants). I mean this physically also. What are the long-term consequences for both his liver and our friendship?

Is it going to be possible to dig my Dodge Neon out of the snow on Monday? When will hovering and/or self-driving cars be a thing? Can I get one of those things that Batman has that runs between Wayne Enterprises and the Bat Cave installed between my house and my work desk? If so, can I write the expense off on my taxes, or do you think my employer should cover it?

Also, here’s a list of scientific discoveries I’m worried I won’t live to see:
– Cures for cancer, AIDS, asthma, etc
– A meat substitute that actually tastes good (what’s with garden burgers? let’s be real)
– Affordable space travel, with flushing toilets
– Affordable hypo-allergenic cats
– The ability to use Skype without glitches
– A Stephen King book that’s as good as he was in the 80s
– One of those things that translates words as you’re saying them so you can talk to anyone, anywhere, instantaneously, in any country
– Something better than getting vaccines in shot form — especially the HPV shot, which was super-painful
– Streamlined, efficient, inexpensive public transport that smells okay
– Socks that don’t get holes in them
– Washing machines that tell you when you’ve got lipstick in the pocket of your dress so you can take it out before it explodes over your clothes (goddammit this happened to me this afternoon)
– A way to get kids into athleticism that sucks less than PE class
– An Old Navy in State College

I hope seeing this list will remind you that, yes, I am a stupid person with trite concerns — and that this will lift your spiritsĀ as you compare yourself to me favorably.

Goodnight, Internet. Godspeed.