I bled everywhere and passed out at Crossfit!*

* (I wrote the title of this post before I went, fearing the worst. I refuse to change it. Attention-grabby, no?)

Yesterday was Free Crossfit Thursday at the local box. After much encouragement from Jiggy, I collected my darling powerhouse derby girl, Drea, to join me. We looked death in the face, and we laughed.

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(image source)

The warmup was harder than my usual complete workout — and then we actually got started. The meat of the workout involved weighted squats, a relentless rowing machine, crunches, and step-ups onto Satan’s own enormous wooden boxes.

At every turn, I thought, “what fresh hell is this?”

But I made it, with exaggerated grunting (I wanted to fit in) and zero wheezing (thank goodness).

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I dare say I actually enjoyed the experience.

While it was happening, I was screaming obscenities and flailing weights around — which is a little fun. (At normal gyms, this is forbidden. At Crossfit, this is allowed. Even encouraged.) At the very end, while I was struggling, a guy stood next to me and told me I could do it, which was nice. The coaches were awesome humans. Drea and I gave each other a giant high-five when it ended — our camaraderie had leveled up.

When I left, I was at peace. I’d found the bottom. There was absolutely nothing that could be worse than what had just happened to me. Dog chronically pulling on the leash? Whatever. Husband preoccupied with new video game? Okay. Book I want checked out of the library? That’ll happen.

I have problems, but I don’t have any real problems. Exercise is solid. I can slam my muscles and drip my sweat onto it. Over a four mile run, buildings go by and smells permeate different areas and sun gradually tints my skin.

When I come home, I’m grimy and exhausted. I smell awful.

And nothing matters.

Crossfit is just one tool of many to attain that state. I can’t imagine doing it all the time, but maybe cross-training with it every few weeks. There’s a pay-by-session option at the box which I may consider. I don’t know yet, but I like it as an option.

If you’ve tried a new exercise style lately, Internet, feel free to tell me about it!

4 Sci-Fi/Horror Movies To Watch This Weekend

Real talk: you need to see the new Mad Max movie immediately.

Before you scoff at me, you should know that this movie features no anti-Semites (that we know of) and the protagonist is actually Charlize Theron with a steampunk cyborg arm.

I know it sounds stupid, but this movie is epic, and must be seen in theaters to fully enjoy. It’s a surroundsound whiplash orgy with a shocking 98% on rotten tomatoes (almost unheard of).

Imperator-Furiosa

This film is so feminist this guy’s scrotum killed itself (please click that link).

It’s also visually intense.

MadMax-Branding

Have you ever really considered the notion of “branding”? Cattle gets branded. When you wear a logo, you’re basically tying yourself in with a company — being owned by it.

In this movie, one of the most important things I noticed was the villain’s (really cool) skull-in-steering-wheel logo everywhere. If he were a cat, he’d have pissed all over this entire movie.

It’s on his face. It’s on his cars. It’s on his slaves. It’s on his wives’ chastity belts. Keep an eye out: this notion of ownership is very important to the film. You will be rewarded for your keen eye. The world-building is exquisite.

You will also be rewarded by the amazing guitarist-on-bungee-cords character. He’s a Civil War drummer boy on steroids. He. is. so. metal.

Other films I’ve seen lately: 

Movies-Seen

Housebound (Netflix). A young woman is put on house arrest with her parents. The house is haunted, and there might be a murderer on the loose. This movie’s the perfect mix of funny, creepy, and outright weird.

Avengers: Age of Ultron (theaters). I saw this movie. I enjoyed this movie. The movie ended, and I haven’t really thought about it since. One of the hallmarks of a good movie, I think, is whether it sticks with you, but this movie slid right off when I exited the theater. There were so many characters and action scenes that the plot took second place. Nobody really got a chance to shine. That said, if you want to watch things punch each other and blow up — admire Robert Downey Jr — this is for you.

Ex Machina (theaters). At what point can artificial intelligence match human intelligence and emotion? Can artificial intelligence have emotion? Rage? Love? This movie deals with these heavy topics as an AI creator, his employee, and his AI manipulate each other toward a suspenseful climax. Though the trailers portray this as an action movie, it’s really more of an indie thought piece.

Enjoy your theater-going, friends — I’ll be back soon with books. (Nerdy!)

Ray-Gun Arms and Other Dating Features

Single people: stop saying there are “no single guys” where you live. 

That’s not true. There are plenty of single men near you.

Just not many that you’d let past the velvet rope into the exclusive club that is your lady-stuff. (Or man-stuff. You know. Stuff.)

I’ve hunted very carefully in your town, and I’d like you to know I’ve found a few eligible bachelors to try out.

Men1-Marceau

If you can get past his belief that the media is a tool of the New World Order to keep the masses in line, this guy is a spontaneous, compassionate lover.

Men2-Topher

He will expand your intellectual horizons and help you become better at arguing. You will dump him via text.

Men3-Justin

He seems like a time-traveler from the future. It’s probably the ray-gun arm that gives that impression.

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5 Surefire Exercises for Washboard Abs, and Other Clickbait

I can’t resist clickbait, stuff like “these 10 life hacks will make your life infinitely easier!” and “how to clean anything for ten cents!

My biggest weakness is fitness clickbait.  

  • “How to not hate running!”
  • “How to get shredded in thirty seconds a day!”
  • “What one food to avoid to become a size 4 in a month!”
  • “One woman’s amazing 200-pound weight loss in less than a year!”
    and, my favorite:
  • “Here’s an easy way to get washboard abs!

Fitness is hard! Show me the workaround! I want abs! Click! 

I’ve written my own homage to the genre. Make sure you click on it.

More-Surefire-Than-Before

 

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I don’t recall ever being this hip.

I’ve recently found an area on the online community Reddit that’s called Reddit Gets Drawn. People submit pictures of themselves, and others sketch them.

It’s weirdly addictive to sort through these pictures for something that strikes a cord. And the recipients always seem happy with what they’ve received.

I’ve drawn a lot of these, but here are my top 4:

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This child has a long and stylish Brooklyn life ahead of her.

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This child is going to become a top-tier civil rights lawyer. She’s the sort of princess who would ensure more safety protocols for her 7 dwarfs.

Reddit-Drawn-Sailor

This child is going to sail around the world in the style of Magellan, but in a yacht. He will high-five at least one mermaid of every species.

Reddit-Drawn-Puppy

This child is going to run a vegan lifestyle blog called “Can’t Be Beet.” Not all recipes will involve beets — but many will.

I was an unstylish kid. I had a lot of jean shorts (“jorts”) and baggy t-shirts. I oscillated sharply between jumping in creeks and jumping in books.

I was not cool.

I am still not cool.

These kids have me beat. Or do they have me… “beet”?